The World at Midnight

It all seems so fitting
looking out at the shining light
that tries so hard to spread so far
but only barely penetrates the doorway
through my momentary attention
So fleeting is the hope and optimism
so crushing is the weight and the dark
so enveloping, so overwhelming
and yet the world outside looks so bright
only footsteps out through the threshold
just out of reach of all but my eyes
glittering like fool’s gold
bathed in artificial rays
taunting me effortlessly
as I struggle to find it
despite it being there
before my face so clearly
I look but cannot touch
no matter how I try
Surrounded by the stench of failure
the darkness holds me in

Funny how the mind works

as time slips by beholden

to memories brought to mind

at the wit and will of some

grand design we’ll never understand

A stray electron fires

and suddenly you’re surrounded

by the ocean waves crashing around you

tearing at the sand

and the pitter patter of raindrops falling

as you hang back from those

that fate bid accompany you

when she was the only reason

you are where you were

A face, a name, a memory

that hasn’t crossed your mind

in what might as well be forever

flashing bright into your vision

You smile in that old nostalgic way

as a moment that meant so much once

(and yet so little overall)

fills you with a melancholic reflection

of what was and is and might have been

all at the whim of certain chance

a fleeting glimpse of another world

a lost time and place

once and who knows if again

Oh, the freedom

flying far above the world

that tries to pull you down

so detached from all the worries

everything that used to matter

falls away when that wind blows

in from underneath

and elevates you

beyond the simple things

when you’re standing at the center

of the universe

and all that was and is and ever will be

stretches out before you

almost bowing in your presence

when you can do no wrong.

But oh, the pain

when you repeat the sins of Icarus

and the wings fall off

and you go crashing

down into the waiting arms

of an earth that has no caring

for the high so soon abandoned

to reality

Set thy weapon down, sir knight

there’s nothing here to slay

no sweeping damsels off their feet

in a war of hearts and minds

that plate must weigh so heavy

on shoulders sagging beneath burdens

that were never yours to carry

better left to those around you

that may learn to share the load

no need to rush so quick to battle

let proverbial horses lie

just take a hand and stand beside

you don’t have to lead the way

Those words keep growing

in the back of my throat

choking off the airway

and pushing my tongue into my teeth

so difficult to force out

after all the times I’ve come to regret

letting them out

so burned, so scarred

by the mistake of believing them

time after time and now here I am

having to hold them back again

to stamp them down

lest they burst forth

like the spark that sets a wildfire

burning out of control

so sick of turning into ashes

having to dig to find the pieces

to reassemble yet again

I don’t think I have it in me

to rebuild myself again

and every time I’ve ever been

sure of anything in my life

I’ve learned the hard way

to never be sure of anything again

So don’t hold your breath

waiting for me to speak first

I’ll need a better signal

something to inspire

even a modicum of trust

in what I see and feel this time around

If I had only known what waited

for me down that road

I could have turned around

and walked away

instead I stumbled into

a trap of my own making

ignoring all the signs

I closed my eyes and kept on walking

blinded to the truth

I think I always knew inside

yet I took those red flags waving

and wrapped them tight around my face

no room to breath or smell

or see the coming end

of everything that kept me going

like a lost bird in the desert

the head so buried in the sand

such willful oblivion

as the world falls down around me

through the choices that I made

and the responses that they triggered

from someone that never seemed to care

near as much as I

Diving headfirst into worlds

you don’t really understand

tossing around words lacking in meaning

distorting the truths you think you’ve found

wrap yourself in comfort and security

born of lies and misunderstandings

go and sever all connection

with who and what you used to be

the lifeline isn’t strong enough

to pull you back from the abyss

you freely wander into

Someday may your journey lead

out into the other side

better for the experiences

but right now you’re as good as lost

among the weeds you see as beauty

Maybe it’s all over now

was it worth it?

I hope one day to look back

into time’s rosy tint

and smile knowing the ends

truly justified it all

the sleepless nights and struggles

but right now looking forward

all I see are dark skies

and land mines

to step blindly in between

I fear the worst

is ahead not behind

and that we can only imagine

what’s waiting

around those dark corners

clinging tight to a glimmer

of what little hope

Pandora left us

after all this ground we’ve covered

still moving on

Searching for true beauty

amid the desperation

when the struggle and the silence

fall away to show

that which makes it all worthwhile

those tender moments of honesty

soft and strong and buried deep

beneath the weight of mere existence

pressed like diamonds

into existence

honed like knives

from so much friction

we fight through endless

reams of bullshit

hands aligned to drag us down

all in hopes of tiny flashes

something more to keep us sane

that little smile

that gentle touch

those shared connections none can sunder

this world we’ve made

so cruel, so pointless

down deep there’s something

worth it all

You taught me to yell and scream

and fight and argue

even at the slightest inconvenience

You taught me to speak

over other voices

even the ones worth listening to

You taught me that which is not like you

isn’t to be respected or understood

but merely allowed to exist

as long as no one else might see

You taught me to throw my weight around

and that the world owes you everything

as long as you tried to give it something

at some point sometime long ago

You taught me that the man

should be taken care of

the head of the table

listened to and served by woman and child

You taught me that the world should just

get out of your way and let you

do what you want

because you always know best

and now it’s long past time to learn

to set that all aside

but I’m not sure I have the strength because

You didn’t teach me