Category: Writing

Maybe this is what I’m meant for

walking in her wake

watching as she runs away

and never catching up

Standing on the sidelines

with sign and smiling face

hoping to not end up lost

in the echoes of the crowd

Maybe this is what I wanted

purpose, though vague and undefined

It helps that I find joy in watching

as she’s rounding every corner

a litter faster, a little brighter,

so hot she burns that I don’t dare touch

But oh to stand next to that fire

so may the warmth and light embrace

Where she may go I’ll gladly follow

as long as I can find the path

But I know the worry looms

I could never match her pace

Far too fast, she burns too bright

too much for me to ever hold

If only for that feeling moment

I could ever stand beside her

reach out and feel that flame’s caress

Here we go again

that old familiar place

Been here a time or two

and always wound up empty

Hesitation holds me back

from taking that next step

but maybe that’s a good thing

Maybe no one’s ready yet

for what waits beyond that moment

Maybe moving too soon

would be the end of promises

but promise is yet unfulfilled

and fantasy is so fleeting

and she moves so quickly in her way

I could never follow close

I just can’t keep up

over any distance

So I’ll stand still

and wait for her

to make her way back around

Hopefully by then

I’ll know which moves to make

to end up with us both in the same place

So we go on

because there is no other choice

no better opportunity

than the road laid out before us

so we ride

into the horizon

and whatever waits across that line

separating what comes

from what came before

what led us for so long

to here and beyond

All we know is moving forward

so we take that step

and the next

on and on and onward ho

until we take the last

Something waits for us out there

and I’ll be damned if we don’t find it

around that next corner

across that line

footstep after footstep

what other choice is there?

Struggling to fill the hole

the one you left behind

but I don’t think I have the sttength

to stand in shoes so big

I can only stretch so far

and plug so many gaps

before the pull becomes too much

and something has to give

I can’t help but feel

that this is why I’m here

to push on as you would’ve wanted

but I can only push so hard

before the world starts pushing back

and no one’s here that has my back

quite the way you did

Still I’ll carry on the fight

even knowing it will break me

because that’s all I have to do

I just wish that there was soneone

left to help carry the load

The tears come out at night

when I go to show you something

or a certain TV show comes on

or any number of little moments catches me

and reminds me of time

stolen away from all of us

Time we assumed we had

but was never promised

Time that slipped through our fingers

in what feels like the blink of an eye

I’m not sure if I’m angry

I’m not sure if I’m sad

I’m not sure if there’s some small sense of relief

at the fact you’re free now

from all you had to handle

I just know the tears sneak up

on me in the quiet moments

Lord help me find the strength

I’ll need in due time

It wasn’t supposed to be time yet

We knew the clock was always ticking

We moved as fast as we could

so that whatever time was left

was ours just to enjoy

And here we are

that ticking clock run out too soon

The hands that no one ever sees

found midnight long before the darkness

and made pointless all the effort

What’s left now?

We go on, I suppose

slaves of our own ticking clocks

but there’s something missing

without the sound of hers

to tell our own time by…

I’m not ready for this

It wasn’t supposed to be time

So much work, so much sacrifice

Gone in a heartbeat

And I’m numb

Stuck under the weight of a whole new world

An empty one

Something missing

That can’t be replaced

And I’m just still

Unprepared

Lost

Alone

I see the light reflected

from the broken, jagged edges

and I’m captured by the patterns

I can just almost discern

as you shift and turn so quietly

that no else will notice

you try to disappear again

but somehow my eyes find you

still lost in the moments 

as they rise to overwhelm

consuming you as you seem

to have consumed me

captured by the chaos

that you fight to seal away

but those patterns and reflections

those torn and tattered corners

of the tapestry that brought you here

are what draws me in like moth to flame

and I can’t help but bleed myself

on some jagged edges of my own

Long past the point in time to be the bigger man

so far over worrying about how someone else might feel

done with the dismissal and devaluation

not backing down this time just to clear the air

no longer taking any responsibility

for how someone else might feel or act or be

stepping out from under decades

of being treated like I’m just the child

ignorant and barely wanted

always lying, always wrong

I’m done with backing down,

seen but not heard I believe they say

well sorry but I won’t apologize for speaking up 

when I’ve been trapped for most my life

under the weight of the lack of self-esteem

crushed by all the mocking and the threats and bluster

and no you can’t just walk right in and make me take it back to fix it

when it’s been broken for almost forever

and now suddenly someone else is cut

by the jagged edges they themselves created

I wonder who will notice when I’m gone

not that it matters I suppose

if this were the end would I

have left behind anything worthwhile?

It’s all so pointless and pathetic and meaningless

no one ever asks to be born

and yet we suffer and struggle through it all

for what?

Maybe I’ll find out soon…