Category: Writing

Struggling to fill the hole

the one you left behind

but I don’t think I have the sttength

to stand in shoes so big

I can only stretch so far

and plug so many gaps

before the pull becomes too much

and something has to give

I can’t help but feel

that this is why I’m here

to push on as you would’ve wanted

but I can only push so hard

before the world starts pushing back

and no one’s here that has my back

quite the way you did

Still I’ll carry on the fight

even knowing it will break me

because that’s all I have to do

I just wish that there was soneone

left to help carry the load

The tears come out at night

when I go to show you something

or a certain TV show comes on

or any number of little moments catches me

and reminds me of time

stolen away from all of us

Time we assumed we had

but was never promised

Time that slipped through our fingers

in what feels like the blink of an eye

I’m not sure if I’m angry

I’m not sure if I’m sad

I’m not sure if there’s some small sense of relief

at the fact you’re free now

from all you had to handle

I just know the tears sneak up

on me in the quiet moments

Lord help me find the strength

I’ll need in due time

It wasn’t supposed to be time yet

We knew the clock was always ticking

We moved as fast as we could

so that whatever time was left

was ours just to enjoy

And here we are

that ticking clock run out too soon

The hands that no one ever sees

found midnight long before the darkness

and made pointless all the effort

What’s left now?

We go on, I suppose

slaves of our own ticking clocks

but there’s something missing

without the sound of hers

to tell our own time by…

I’m not ready for this

It wasn’t supposed to be time

So much work, so much sacrifice

Gone in a heartbeat

And I’m numb

Stuck under the weight of a whole new world

An empty one

Something missing

That can’t be replaced

And I’m just still

Unprepared

Lost

Alone

I see the light reflected

from the broken, jagged edges

and I’m captured by the patterns

I can just almost discern

as you shift and turn so quietly

that no else will notice

you try to disappear again

but somehow my eyes find you

still lost in the moments 

as they rise to overwhelm

consuming you as you seem

to have consumed me

captured by the chaos

that you fight to seal away

but those patterns and reflections

those torn and tattered corners

of the tapestry that brought you here

are what draws me in like moth to flame

and I can’t help but bleed myself

on some jagged edges of my own

Long past the point in time to be the bigger man

so far over worrying about how someone else might feel

done with the dismissal and devaluation

not backing down this time just to clear the air

no longer taking any responsibility

for how someone else might feel or act or be

stepping out from under decades

of being treated like I’m just the child

ignorant and barely wanted

always lying, always wrong

I’m done with backing down,

seen but not heard I believe they say

well sorry but I won’t apologize for speaking up 

when I’ve been trapped for most my life

under the weight of the lack of self-esteem

crushed by all the mocking and the threats and bluster

and no you can’t just walk right in and make me take it back to fix it

when it’s been broken for almost forever

and now suddenly someone else is cut

by the jagged edges they themselves created

I wonder who will notice when I’m gone

not that it matters I suppose

if this were the end would I

have left behind anything worthwhile?

It’s all so pointless and pathetic and meaningless

no one ever asks to be born

and yet we suffer and struggle through it all

for what?

Maybe I’ll find out soon…

It’s just another day
another year
another loop around the sun
the entropy advances ever further and onward
closing in a little closer to the inevitable end
the void surrounding, waiting for the moment
(with that much less time left to wait)
the meaning to it all has faded
much like a picture over time
an endless march to an unknown point
where it all just disappears
stuck spinning in an ever-present loop
dizzy from another trip
I never asked to take
but here I am
already going ’round again

Even when I think there’s nothing

left you find a way to drain

another drop of blood

No stone unturned

no box unopened

no corner left untouched as you keep digging

for more that you expect me

to just give up, hand over

and still have enough to carry on

but I don’t have it left I’m scarred and broken

I’m not sure I ever had it

but I’ve always done what I can

and now that I can’t do as much

the expectations set so high

I can’t even see the horizon anymore

and I feel as though I’m drowning

but what I really am is bleeding out

and there goes my last drop

right through your fingers into the dirt

where I belong…

I’m hanging off the edge of the world

and all those around me are screaming

and yelling

and stepping on my fingers

and I’m not sure if it matters

whether their feet are falling where they may on purpose

or if they’re just blind to the weakening grasp

of my digits below them

no one can hear me cry out

as they whoop and cheer

and set fire to the world

and I’m not sure how long I can hang on

panic sets in as I twist and stretch

every muscle in my body struggling to climb

back up to solid ground

but there’s no room for me there anymore

amongst the crowd that has gathered

to celebrate the end of everything

as if it were some bright new beginning

the fire grows higher

the gloom grows thicker

and I might as well just

let go