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When the words left your lips
it was all I could do
not to reach out and take you into my arms.
I felt a part of me die, right then,
much as it must have in you
when it happened.
I didn’t know what to say
what to do
how to feel.
I still don’t.
I’m torn
between wanting to take your pain away
(which I can’t, and I know, and that hurts, too)
and hoping never to see his face again
‘lest I give him some pain of his own
I admire you
your trust
your courage
the fact that you’re still standing
and I wish, more than anything,
that I could show you
that someone does care.

Take me away
From it all
Far, far from the chaos
Give me a reason
To live
To love
To feel something
Anything
Other than this emptiness
Show me the way
To freedom
To happiness
To contentment

I said too much again
played my hand
far too soon
took that step
right off the cliff
and here I am
staring up
at smoldering remains
of hopes and dreams
that never should have been
nothing ventured
nothing gained
so they say
but who are they?
have they ever
felt the sting
of abject failure?
have they ever
been shot down
so far, so fast?
have they ever
known the silence
of connections lost?
could they look me
in the eye
and tell me I’m better
without you?

There you are again
In my head
I can’t escape it
Every dream
Every fantasy
Every thought
What I want
What I need
What will likely never be
You move me in ways long forgotten
You bring to life a world left behind
You inspire me to be
To live
To love again …but not you
You stir within me
Hopes
Dreams
Goals and aspirations
But they can’t give me what I want
You can’t give me what I want
I can’t give me what I want
When what I want is so far out of reach
It’s there
So close
A carrot, dangling
Dancing through my mind
But just beyond me
For all that you inspire
For all the light you bear
For all the joy you fill my soul with
There is nothing
That will bring you to me

As I lie awake in bed, it strikes me
Some things never really change
Here I am, in that old familiar place
Pouring my heart out into ones and zeros
Laying my soul bare across the wires and tubes
I wish I could be this open
With her face to face
but I’m only at my best with that screen between us

How do you really feel?
I can read your eyes
and tell when you lie
What am I supposed to do?
How can I change who and what I am?
I shouldn’t have come with you
I should’ve spared myself the pain
but here I am
and what does that say about me?
What are we to do?
Lost in this storm,
how am I to find the way home?
And why,
despite you getting us stuck out here, adrift,
am I expected to find the answers?
And why is it that the moment I look into your eyes
I lose all control?
Sometimes I can’t help but think
that maybe, just maybe,
you set us out here
stranded alone
for some twisted purpose
that only you could understand
As I look to the sky
to plot our way back by the stars
I can’t help but notice how they shine
as if you were looking down on me from the heavens
and lose it all again…

Originally written in 2003

I’d take you in my arms
If you were mine to have and hold
We’d dance this dance forever
Never breaking
Never slowing
Always and forever
But you’re not mine
And I’m still here
Moving to your beat

Must we do this dance again?
Old habits die hard, they say
I often wonder how they knew me so well
It never ends, does it?
Falling into the same trap
Over and over and over
Like Timmy found the bottoms of wells and mine shafts
I find myself falling for the unobtainable
There’s no faithful friend coming to my rescue
Just the same old voice inside my head
Calling me out on my mistakes
It has plenty to say, though I rarely listen
Choosing instead to walk that familiar path
Right into a brick wall

Hear the broken symphony
Know how much it means to me
Feel the love
Feel the pain
I won’t come back again

Know the spoken words are true
As I say goodbye to you
In the dark
In the rain
I won’t come back again

You once held my heart so close
Now my past is but a ghost
Found the truth
Played the game
I won’t come back again

Found the missing spark of love
Lit the fire high above
Live the life
I remain
I won’t come back again

Leaving old wounds far behind
Clear my heart, open my mind
Free my soul
Cleanse the shame
I won’t come back again

Let me hang
From a chain
I won’t come back again

Originally written in 2002