Month: April 2021

drowning in the dark disquiet
surrounded by unsettled soil
uncomfortable and yet in awe
beautiful and terrible
haunting in its artistry
a sweet and simple savage tear
right into your very soul
dreams and nightmares intertwine
sinister and yet somehow soothing
a lullaby that lures you in
and leaves you somehow satisfied
a glimpse of universal fear
what likely lives inside you now
brought to life in unique time
for delightful confrontation
a mirror held for you to face
to force feed you your faults and failings
in discordant melodies
that somehow soften the blunt edges
just enough to be palatable
but not entirely satisfying
still exquisite in its pain
that grows intense and unrelenting
so that you never have to feel
that strongly somewhere deep inside
cathartic consequences of
someone else’s poignant words

I wish I could be there

When it comes to you

What I’ve known all along

If I could just see

The look on your face

As you realize

What you could’ve had

All that was thrown away

In the blink of an eye

Because neither of us

Could walk up and talk

We fought so hard

To let it all go

Instead of fighting

To save what could’ve meant

The world to both of us

My only real regret

Is trying to give you time

And letting you slip away

In the meantime

But somehow I still managed

To make my feelings clear

Can’t help but wonder somday

If you might feel the same

Not that it really matters

Or anything will change

But in that fleeting moment

We’ll find ourselves both looking

For a little of what might have been

you brought light into my world
but you wanted rid of the color
it was just too intense for you
even though you were the source
and so I did what I could
to turn it down to something muted
a little more grey to dull the senses
shift the hues of green and blue
still it wasn’t what you wanted
so you wiped it all away
hid the light behind your walls
now the shade has shifted darker
there’s no color left around
nothing reflected off this surface
no refracted bands to see
this boring, lifeless, place is mine
and mine alone to suffer through

Do you remember me?
The one you told your secrets to
and with whom you shared your dreams?
You let me see so far inside
I couldn’t help but lose myself
and here I am still struggling to get free
Long after you closed the door
and walked away completely
So wrapped up in beauty
while drowning in the darkness
Do you ever stop to think
about what happened then
or what might have been for both of us
had it all worked out?
You don’t have to ask me that
It should be fairly obvious
that even as I try to leave it,
it always finds a way
to creep into my thoughts
And though I know I’ll never know
the path we might have walked
it would be a burden lifted
to know you’d wondered, too
To find that it wasn’t only me
that started down that road

There was a time
when I spoke
and it felt like someone listened
I didn’t have to be loud
or fight for attention
or speak over the voice in my head
telling me no one cares
I can’t tell now
amidst the empty echoes
if anyone’s still there
to hear
But I keep speaking
hoping to be heard
without force
Just to be acknowledged
to feel like I belong
somewhere
with someone
outside my head

Won’t this endless chain of coincidence
ever come to a conclusion?
Either give me that one chance
to fix all that I left broken
Or let me find the way away
from everything that keeps me tied
to the memory I can’t escape
and fantasy that holds me captive
My fondest hope had always been
to find that kindred spirit somewhere
and give back unto their life
all the light they shone on mine
So either let me make things right
with the one I’d thought I’d found
or show me what I’m meant to see
so that I can walk away
and leave those memories behind
Open up the path for me
into the future I desire
If it’s not supposed to be
then cut us clean from one another
But if I was right back then
reveal to me the sign I seek
so that I can make it happen
as it was meant to be

Straight out of my memories
standing there before me
It’s certainly a shock
how precisely I have memorized
every little portion
that I see again right now
Can’t swallow down the reflex
the flash of fight or flight
no matter how I try
I’ll never get to clear the air
too much passed between us
My broken point of view
All that I have longed to find
I’ll likely never hold
Reflection of the beauty
your brought my way for such short time
I’ll only ever get to bask in
for fractions of a moment
Those memories you stepped out of
are all I’ll ever have

I’m sure you’d find it funny
that you still play a role
in my twisted self-torture
Congrats on your victory
over all I had to give
Wasted time and feelings
we both somehow perverted
We took what should be beautiful
and warped it something awfully
The remnants still inside my head
a wound trying to heal
Deep and dark and full of poison
rotting somewhere cold
You still pour in the salt
without even a word
You have the power over me
I gave it over freely
and couldn’t let you give it back
even if you wished to
I hope you’re happy now
a living echo of my failure
A shining light to burn away
all I thought I knew
of myself and what I held
as closest and most dear
I never really lived up to
the role the world has cast me in
I only played pretend
You were the one that caught me
and now I stand exposed

Shattered into pieces

I know you couldn’t understand

Emotions seem beyond you

So just know how much I cared

And how easy it has been

To turn this selfless sacrifice

Into the weakest portion

Of my very soul

Just look my way or say the word

And you could have it all

Or watch me scurry fast and far

In the opposite dirdction

What once I looked so hard for

Now brings me to my knees

You gave me the will to fix myself

And now you’ve left me in disarray

I can’t fix me now

And you never will

I’m left to wander aimless

Trying to find the pieces

You’ve crushed beneath your feet

I can smell the fear

Coming off me in waves

All because I saw a face

That called back to someone else

Will it always hurt this much?

Send me running for the hills

Just because I might encounter

A memory I’d best forget

My heart pounds hard with every breath

Trying to escape my chest

To feel the elevation

And not have to endure

The inevitable rememberance

Of what I thought was a part of me

Yet ripped itself away

Calm and focused I try to be

It probably wasn’t even her

But the potential

Weighs heavy on my mind

And I won’t stick around

To find it out

She’s waiting out there somewhere
Just out of sight, I know
Poised and at the ready
And when I think I’m finally free
She’ll blindside me in her usual way
Because that’s who we are, I guess
I don’t have any better clue
I’ve long sought to understand
How I stumbled into this
Locked in ever-present torture
So sure I was of some success
There I went again
Looking for the meaning
Where none was to be found
And instead of some great thing
A lasting lifetime link
I wrapped myself in chains
And every time I try to fight
To break free of the binds
They loosen only long enough
For one of us to draw them tight
If only I had known
And never turned to look this way
Instead I handed her the power
A home, rent-free, inside my head
That neither of us want
A lesson learned in frustration
The clashing of our selves
That I can’t seem to set aside
No matter what I try