Month: January 2021

Wrap those fingers tight around my throat
Pull me deep down into your disease
Bite and claw and tear until you’re full
Make well sure there’s nothing left of me
Spread these scars across this open flesh
Dig out the bones and let them scatter freely
Let the vultures come right in and feast
Shatter all there is still standing here
Let the broken pieces fall away
Show no mercy when you walk away
Broken is just how I’m meant to be

Why does it still mean something after so much time?
It’s not like you sit somewhere far away still thinking of me
But there are just so many reminders everywhere
Little flashes of what used to be or could have been
And I curse myself for not being able to keep it straight
If I had kept my big mouth shut who knows where I would be
Too much idle time and too many empty thoughts
Allowing me to dwell on something long best forgotten
But how could I forget your or the impact that you had?
You were the one that cut right through the darkness
Through you the fog was lifted from my eyes
And when I became too much for you to handle
It was as if the light bulb burst somewhere amid the clouds
Who knew that I could screw it up just though caring too much?
By not being able to pull back all the way as asked
I doomed myself to lose what meant the most to me
And still sit here trying to find the meaning in it all
Over my own head in all this better left behind
Feelings better left forgotten, but I can’t move on

There’s no way free, is there?
I’ve struggled for forever
haven’t gained an inch
despite all the effort
Keep the head up high
(even without reason)
It’ll always be there
around every corner
Guess I’d better learn
to live with this burden
There is just no shaking
free from those mistakes
No chance to forget
that face and what it meant
My cross to always carry
My burden to bear
The chain around my heart
just to weigh me down
a little more each day

Make me feel again
Someone show me what I’m missing
Awaken me to a beautiful dawn
overflowing with potential
Paint me a picture,
a landscape of awe and excitement
Help me lay this road
off into the sunset
where we may find the glory
of what life’s supposed to be
Bring the color back
to this dull and dreary portrait
Lift me free from this darkness
so we may both know the light
Show me what I’m missing
that I may return to experience
Give me back that perspective
to enjoy opportunity,
that something that I’ve lost

Give back the piece of me you took when you left
That wound just doesn’t seem to want to heal
And I’m afraid that I’ll bleed out onto someone else
Someone not deserving to have to deal with the mess
Left behind by my interactions with the past
But I can’t manage to sweep this all away
I’ve tried for what feels like forever now
To find a way to seal that hole for good
But I don’t know how to fill all these gaps
Your absence has left in me and my life
So consider this me groveling at your feet
Hand over what you ripped out of my heart
So that I can be closer to complete
When I find the person that’s supposed to have that piece…

Turn the lights out when you go
I’ll be staying for awhile
Clinging desperately to hope
(A foolish notion, after all)
But one that I can’t seem to shake
The band stopped playing long ago
The party’s over, wrap it up
I’m just a shell of what I was
It’s far past time to let it go
If this really is a dream
please don’t ever let me wake
I can’t face the way it’s gone
I won’t acknowledge that I lost
I haven’t moved yet from this place
These hallowed halls you left me in
I’ll be here waiting til the end
Eager for your smiling face
You know, the one I’ll never see
I threw that right away for good
You’re never coming back again
I don’t know why I’m still right here
Let’s start it all over again
This time the puzzle piece will fit
the jagged lines will make us whole
(until I break something again)
Let’s be frank, the time has passed
I’m hanging onto nothing real
My hands are empty, save regret
There’s nothing here for me at all
But I can’t bring myself to leave
so just shut it down for me
I’ll be behind you as you leave
There’s still a few more tears to cry
A little mourning of the past
and maybe I’ll be good to go
But I don’t want to walk away
until the shine fades far away

The truth is
this whole thing was rigged against me
There was just no way to make it through
and not give up something in the process
In the end I gave up my heart
probably forever
Not that you ever even wanted it
but it’s still yours
I wish you would tell me where you left it
so that I could dust it off and put it back
I’ll need it for the next time
I fall for someone I could never have
I’m sure to never learn to read the signs
So if you would maybe just please
put what I tried to give you back
and let me carry on my way…

…towards the next mistake

You never liked it
when I’d turn my thoughts into words
(especially when those thoughts were of you)
But these words are all I’ve ever really had
and since you walked away
I have nothing else to turn to
to escape the failures of my past
It’s funny that it’s long since ceased to matter
just how you really feel
It’s not like disposing of this little piece of me
would ever give me another chance
There’s nothing I can do to fix the past
so why would I throw away
something that’s always been there for me?
Why would I close the hole
I use to pour my heart out
when my head is far too heavy to hold up?
I could see myself
letting go of a lot of things
to make someone like you happy
But the parts that make me who I am
I’m never going to let go of
And if it had really been meant to be
you wouldn’t want me to have anyway
So it’s better to just walk away
a part of something greater
and forget what thoughts you might still hold

Does it ever cross your mind
what could have been?
I find myself haunted all the time
Do you still think of me?
Did any of those precious moments
make an impression on you?
I’m still stuck on your smile
Every so often I can picture it again
and I die inside a little more
over the thought of what will never be
Drowning again in possibilities
lost to us long ago
I’ll never know
if I ever even cross your mind
I couldn’t have made the same impression
that you did on me
And not that it matters now
but it won’t leave my head
even after all this time and distance
The space between can’t get much wider
despite my wish to build that bridge
I never found a way to start
So it all just drifts away
As much as it would soothe me
to find that we shared something
to dwell on failed opportunity
And what I long since lost
is a pain that I could live without

Haunting alabaster
Just out of reach
And yet I stretch
And fail and fall and try again
Waiting for the miracle
That will never be
Red and white
And secret smiles
Meaningless and nothingness
So much more and less
Lost in something far beyond
I’ll never comprehend

But the struggle drags on
Through the nights
Trying to take back
Something that I never had
Hands empty in the air
Seeking another glance
But needing a release
From that hidden smile
I’ll never see again