Month: December 2020

All I want is validation

Some small sign that it’s all worth it

Before I give up and walk away

There never seems to be a reason

To keep on pushing through the pain

There’s never light at the end of this tunnel

Just another shade of black

But I keep pushing and I keep crawling

Wiping the sweat from my brow

And the blood from my hands

Just tell me there’s something waiting

That will reflect the effort to get here

Dangle that carrot in my face

Prove to me it’s all for real

And I’ll keep fighting on forever

Or tell me now that there’s nothing

So I can stop wasting all my time

Is there such a thing as nornal

In this modern world?

Are there still lines we’re not to cross

Or have the walls fallen down?

We were raised for a different time

Yet there’s nothing here to guide us

We wander, lost and seeking

With no clue of what to look for

And never knowing when we find it

Surely out there there is something

That we’re meant to see and be

Something deep and beautiful

That makes all this world worthwhile

But it’s so hard to stumble through

This broken landscape that lies before us

We may never cross the threshold

But we’ll keep on moving

Because there’s no way left but forward

Deeper into the growing void

It’s time to live

Free of concerns for consequences

Sometimes you fail

And you fall

But you’ll get back up again

So jump now

Forget the weight upon you

And fly free

You may yet come back down

And you’ll feel it if you do

But if you soar

No, when you soar

You’ll find yourself higher

Than you ever believed

But you’ll never see those heights

If you don’t jump

When it comes to you

I can’t help but lapse in judgment

And though I’m sure I’ll regret everything

I’ll still make this one last stand

I’ll find a way to reach out yet

Give it all that final chance

I know just how it will end

But I can’t let that hold me back

Not with what is on the line

Not with what I stand to gain

Or more likely what I never had to lose

But still I rush in headfirst

To try and punch right through

These walls that stand before me

Daunting and unmoving

And though I’m sure of impending failure

I’ll never win if I don’t try

And find a way back through

Come one, come all and see the freak show

Watch and learn just how much of a mess I am

Don’t get too close or you might just run away

Grab the popcorn and witness as I fall apart again

Sharpen your axes and ready the knives

To throw right at the target between my eyes

Take advantage of my weakness and stupidity

As I discover yet another way to self-destruct

By the time we’re done you’ll hate me just like all the rest

And I’ll be left alone to pick up all the pieces

Just in time for another one to get to watch the show

I’ve let go as best I can

There’s nothing left to hang onto

So why does some small part of me

Still cling to some small shred of hope

For something I will never have?

It’s painful and it’s pitiful

To tear myself apart again

Every time a little moment

Brings her back to mind

It’s better left forgotten

Or embraced as a memory

A lesson learned the hardest way

And let it lie at that

Because it will never be anything else

The world doesn’t work that way

The silence was her choice

And I don’t have the will or way

To ever actually break it

She’s better off without ne

I just wish I could believe

That I’m better off without her as well

Maybe then I could finally move on

Put on that album
the one you introduced me to
what seems like forever ago
Just let it play
let it carry me into memory
Nostalgia trip through brighter days
that really weren’t much brighter
just a different set of obstacles
that we still survived
just as I’ll live now
A little reminder
that we’ll always find a way
through so many twists and turns
Down roads of our own
we travel with the beat
driving us through
May this song
show me the way
to where I’m to call home
the melody painting pictures
of what I’m supposed to see
The lyrics tugging at my heart
pulling past the places
I’m not meant to stay too long
and may you yet find your own way
the one that will never know
how much you showed me
Through my ears right to my soul
with a music of your own
that I still turn to
to this very day
Cue that inspiration
and let the flashbacks
sing me off to sleep
where I may yet dream
and prepare for whatever lay
further down this path
Armed with the knowledge
the strength of will and spirit
that your gifts so along ago
have granted me again

The words aren’t coming anymore
but maybe that’s for the best
Something you brought back
better left for when I need them
So much that you gave to me
and every bit you took away
It’s taken me far too much time
to learn to live without it all
Life goes on despite my dreams
the failure of my self-perception
not everything is ever what it seems
Levels of importance placed
on meanings and connections
aren’t necessarily the same
from all involved
A lesson that I should’ve learned
long before I ever met you
And all those things I tried to tell you
were mostly aimed right at myself
A shame that neither one of us would listen
But I hear it now
as the signal fades
the meaning of it all lost
in the great unknowing
So here I am
thinking about everything
thinking about nothing
and wishing that I’ll finish moving on
knowing that I’ll never see again
what I saw in you in the beginning