Month: November 2020

Reach right in
and rip it out
Spill all that you find
all across the floor
All around my head
Cut to the core
and let it bleed
Fill me up
and leave me empty
Make me feel
Everything and nothing
Take me away
Show it all to me
Yet give me nothing
Forget for awhile
but remember always
Carry it all
Carry it through
But never hold on
Release
Just let it go
bug hang on tight
until the end
There is no end
just relief
and a new beginning
Start again
start anew
and find yourself
in and endless search
fir meaning
and something out there
where you can only feel

Walking through the jagged edges

Of all the broken people

I’ve ever tried to help repair

Only to watch as they shatter themselves

Start dropping pieces here and there

Their breakage isn’t mine to fix

Time to put away the glue

Maybe they just like to bleed

Perhaps I just don’t fit their lines

The reasons just don’t matter much

When I’m not meant to help them

Better to just walk away

Through the little bits they’ve left

And let them figure out

How to clean up their own mess

Sometimes it all works out

And goes down just as planned

Those moments help me remember

Just what I’m really here for

That feeling of a job well done

Knowing I made someone’s day

Just that little bit brighter

And maybe helped them forget a burden

Or problem along the way

That flash of solid gratitude

That’s what gives me hope

And tells me that I’ve found

What I’ve been looking for all along

There’s my answer

To a million different questions

To be the best part of someone’s day

To bring those brighter moments

That’s what calls and carries me

Though few and far betwewn

They’re there

And they’re enough

To carry myself through

A little piece of me still wants to try

Something, anything, it doesn’t matter

Some small voice inside my head

Keeps whispering its bad ideas

Hoping to get back to somewhere

We never really ever were

I’m the one that fell to pieces

Barely holding all together

Why risk moving backwards

Over someone that was never mine?

I loved her then and always will

But love just isn’t everything

(As much as it probably should be)

She’s proven thar she didn’t get

Enough out of the connection

To make it worth her while

So to that little voice I say

There’s nothing to your words

Just continue on in silence

It isn’t worth the time

What lies behind those eyes?

The danger’s in the finding out

If you mean to do me harm

Just come at me now

Don’t waste our time with plans and schemes

Don’t hold out years

Just get it done

Take me down once and for all

I’m done with these betrayals

I don’t have the effort left

To deal with all the negative

I’m trying to find those I can trust

To give my own loyalty to

So if you’re not worthy

Just quickly stick the knife in

And get out of the way

When my time is through

I hope I’ll be remembered

For having given something

That someone somewhere needed

I hope I’ll be well thought of

And missed by someone out there

I hope I manage one day

To leave behind a world

Made a little brighter

A little more worth living

I hope to live forever

The only way I can

Another year I wasn’t promised

And nothing here to show

So much lost, slipped through my hands

Just standing here a little older

Trying to find lessons to learn

So that there might be some reason

To the madness that has passed

And maybe the lesson is

That not everything has meaning

And life is just a chaos game

Zero sum with no clear goals

Maybe someday I’ll find answers

To the questions I still have

But this rotation led to nothing

But loss and failure and emptiness

A hole inside me I can’t fill

A lack of that which I can’t define

So here’s to another cycle around

One which might bring what I’m seeking

May it leave me more fulfilled

Than the one I just survived

Maybe I’m just addicted to the pain

Turn the screws and push that blade in tight

Don’t let it heal

Don’t let it end

Don’t tell me that the party’s over yet

This is the best part

Just when I think it’s all been done

You find a new way to break me

Chip away at everything I’ve got

Hope it’s worth it

When neither of us has anything left

But the bloody edge

Dig in deep

Tear me down again

Throw away what little faith I had

And leave me here

A broken piece of what could have been

Use me up

And leave me out to dry

That’s what I live for

To be the one you crush under your heel

It must be why I’m still here

To be your punching bag

Like you haven’t taken away enough

Take the last thing keeping me alive

Don’t leave ne

Just leave me empty

Up before the morning sun

Trying to wrap my head around another day

What used to be a favorite song

Comes on through the background noise

I have to skip ahead because it makes me think of her

And the last thing that I need right now

Is to get lost in little reminderd

Of what’s left me in the year gone by

Especially when I’m facing another endless day

Then head off to put in hours

Thankless jobs for thankless people

Pressing though monotony of motion

Something sparks my memory

And suddenly I see her face

My reminder of what used to help me though

Then go home to emptiness

Wasted time and wasteful ways

I was supposed to break away

I was supposed to save her

And in the effort save myself

But I guess she didn’t need saving after all

So here I am another pointless day

Time to rest but still I’m sleepless

Another thought of her I can’t escape

On and on the endless repeat

Break the silence with more quiet

Nothing ever changes in my world

I just hope out there somewhere

She’s not suffering like I am

May she not make the same mistakes I’ve made

One more day and here we go again

I had no idea in that moment

That the light was going out for good

I just knew that it seemed like you

Were missing something that you needed

And I’d try to give you what I could

How was I to know that in that giving

I’d take a step or two too far

And instead of lighting up the night

I’d put a wall between me and you

That I’d never have the strength to cross?

The words don’t seem to matter now

The failure is my cross to bear

And somewhere on the other side

I’m sure your light shines bright

But here I’ll never see the sun

I somehow took that from myself

And now I’ll find a way to grow

From the shadows