Month: October 2020

This was the day

The moment

The beginning of the end

The maelstrom of emotion

Forming in my head

Seeing her that way

For the first time

I wanted her so bad

It almost killed me

If only I had known

How much worse it’d get

If there was any indication

That it’d all fall apart

I’d have given up

And walked away when I could

But no, I steered my ship

Right into the iceberg

I was in far too deep

To see the glacier coming

The light she brought to me

Became the oncoming train

And I still haven’t left the tracks

I can’t

I fell too far too fast

Couldn’t catch myself in time

I could barely catch my breath

That moment she took it away

And though I’ve tried to get it back

And though she’s tried to toss it away

She still has it

Some year later

I’ll never be the same

Living life straight out of a comic strip

One day I’ll get that football yet

And somewhere the little redhead girl

Isn’t exactly waiting for me

This blockhead is getting tired

Of this two-dimensional world

And story lines on repeat

Here we go again

Trapped in the peanut gallery again

It’s so easy to hurt

And so hard to heal

Each scar a moment

We can’t take back

Forward is the only way

And yet it’s so simple

To get stuck

Replaying the lessons

Struggling to learn

Finding nothing but pain

Keep going

Just get up

Nothing will take it away

But living within it

Will only make it worse

Those scars will fade

And someday you’ll find

The reason you suffered

For so long to get there

And then they’ll be gone

I’ve never been one to believe
in something I can’t see or feel
I don’t go chasing fantasies
when there’s nothing solid there
But I had a crazy dream
not so very long ago
and I’m about to follow it
for good or for ill
I’ll likely crash and burn again
(nothing good can come of this)
I’ll break my heart and crush myself
but maybe I should set aside
all of the regrets I hold
the what if’s and what could be’s
and just go for something dumb
If I fail, I fall again
no better and just slightly worse
but if I make it there
who know what my life could be
There’s no logic to be found
in this step I seek to take
but logic’s rules have gotten me here
so maybe this is what I need
to break free and find my way
to some shred of happiness
as long as I accept the fact
that I might just never see
what I’m trying to find…

I don’t remember how to stop

Stopping leads to thinking

And all my thoughts turn now

To what it is about me

That forces everyone I get close to

To run away

And I’ll never understand

When all I try to be

Is the person that I’d want

Someone else to be for me

Maybe that’s the problem

What I need to learn

Is how to stop looking for me

In everyone around me

And how to be what they need

Or maybe just not even care

And just be who I am

But that’s now where I’m at today

And I’m not sure I’ll ever be

I’ll live and love and care

As I always have

But I’m not sure my fragile psyche

Can take another walk away

From another friend

So I just keep going

Because moving keep the thoughts at bay

And I don’t have to speak

And I don’t have to feel

I just have to move

And that’s okay

Don’t let them change who you are

To suit their selfish needs

The world will try to break you

Don’t even try and bend

If you care, keep caring

Be the light we need

Love, be loved, shine brightly

Don’t let the darkness win

Still I keep your secrets

Through the stormy silence

My only crime was that I knew too much

And thought I find myself stuck

Chained to this ruined friendship

I still stand and hold these walls as well

We’re that I a weaker man

Less full of my comviction

I would walk and let these ramparts fall

So much damage I could do

If I had the option

But I could never live with that decision

So I will face the thunder

As it rips and tears at me

The violence we stood against together

And though your found your way out

And left me here to die

You’ll find that my survival is assured

I would never give you

A shred of statisfaction

That you managed to undo my soul

Your knife juts from my shoulder

The scars you left shine bright

But I’m still breathing so I’ll find a way

To the little bird

Locked in her gilded cage

May the sunshine

Brighten your days

Always

And guide you back

Where you belong

When the lock is

Open

No destination

Just floating

Adrift in a world I’ll never understand

Continually lost

Constantly alone

Reaching out for something

(or someone)

That is never really there

It does no good

To right this ship

When I don’t even know what direction is which

Drifting, confused and powerless

Toward whatever ending waits for me

Of course these songs would play

Too bad they’re an hour too late

To send you off on your merry way

The fact that you’ve reduced me

To thinking like this

Is all that’s left that hurts

You made me just as bitter

Just as petty, just as hurtful

As you became there at the end

And you were such a bright star

Shining for all the world to see

But I sat and watched as the light went out

Trying desperately to be the spark

That would keep your fire alight

Instead I was the match

That burned it all down

All I can do is laugh now

Laugh and try to harness

This nervous energy

That’s carried me since I realized

You were standing there behind me

The frail and quiet creature

A shadow of what you once were

On that October morning

When everything aligned

And it hit me how I really felt

Too bad you made a lie

Of everything that I thought then

As the music says goodbye

In its various fashions

It’s no wonder I can’t help but laugh