Month: September 2020

Thank you for the parting gift

Another dagger in the heart

As I shut the door

On something that meant so much

Exactly what I needed

From someone that I used to know

But you’re not them anymore

And I’m not who I was then, either

Your cold and bitter comments

Cut me free from everything

I’m glad to see what you’ve become

Locked in your little world

Circle your wagons tight

And divorce yourself from reality

As you fling your insults

I’ll just wish you well

And walk away for good

I have my own sins to own up to

Maybe you should face yours, too

But I’ll judge not for your transgressions

I’m too busy picking up

The pieces I’ve left my life in

To worry about you and yours

And what you might fling my way

You’re still the first I think of

When I experience something

That I just have to share

The one I wish I could talk to

The smiling face I look for

When reaching for that lifeline

And it’s so sad and stupid

I never meant that much to you

We were never anything

But you were the closest

I’d had to a best friend

In what felt like forever

I put too much on you

I understand that now

Too much of my friendship

Too much of my mental state

Too much of myself

How I wish I could take that back

And never fall in love with you

Never open myself up to fall

I miss your presence still

And I fear I always will

I can still feel your eyes on me

As I poured my poor heart out

Yet you showed no signs of hearing

No understanding past the surface

And I realize that’s the perfect symbol

Of how things always were between us

All the work I put into

Learning all I could about you

Everything you ever said

Just made me want to know you more

But somehow when I opened up

When I let you in my soul

That was when you turned away

I couldn’t see the truth before

Still don’t know the reasons why

But that one moment came unbidden

Back to me to be a sign

Of all the effort that I wasted

Calling out that what I lost

That I never really had

I wore it today

As an act of rebellion

Against her

Against myself

Against the memories

That won’t leave me alone

It seems strange I’m sure

But there’s just so much

Tied up in this dumb shirt

A fluorescent stab

Right to the heart

Of everything that’s dragged me down

For forever now

The bright green glow

Cutting through the darkness

That she left behind

The fog I’ve let myself live under

In this piece of clothing

I find some fleeting solace

Respite from the torture

She set off in me

A suit of armor

Around my broken heart

So that I may find a way

To free myself from chains

I wrapped around myself

In her absence

If only I could find a way
to feel the way I felt with you
I knew I could do anything
because you said I always could
I guess we weren’t even friends
but I felt it all the same
You made me want to be someone
Someone worthy of your words
Someone I suppose I’m not
but for awhile I could lie
and tell myself that just maybe
I could stand beside you there
The two of us against the world
You gave me a welcome gift
and then you took it all away
and I feel the hole it made
even to this endless day
I can’t shake the cloud you left
blocking out the light you shone
For a precious moment then
all I wanted was to give
back to you what you had brought
and I guess I failed at that
or maybe you just couldn’t see
the same visions I had seen
It doesn’t matter all the same
now I try to understand
how to find those little gifts
that you seemed to throw my way
so that I may feel again
the sun shining on my back
Like I could go anywhere
and find just where that path would lead
the one I tried to guide us down
only to end up alone

I sit here, idly wondering
and the worry’s seeping in
over things I cannot change
and people that no longer matter
But I can’t seem to shake it off
to lose that part of me
that cares far too much about
those I once felt close to
I wish I could learn to let go
harden my heart
and empty my head
But no, not really
That overactive empathy
is such an innate part of me
that will never leave
I just have to find a way
to focus all the care and concern
onto something worth it
and let the past just float away
There’s a reason they aren’t here
so leave them be where they belong
If only I could listen…

Just hand me the knife
This wound is much too clean
You clearly haven’t done this much
Take it from an old pro
Make sure to pass the salt
so that I may suffer more
I haven’t dwelled on it enough
Until I overanalyze
each and every little step
to find all the small mistakes
that I can pile up
to bury myself underneath
I have to make sure
to focus in with pure precision
on each and every reminder
of exactly what I’m missing now
and have been missing now for months
because my life just isn’t right
without more than a little pain
Jab it all in deep
and just when it all starts to heal
I’ll find my way back to those thoughts
I’ll hear something or come across
some little piece of what once was
tear the scab away in time
and pour a little more on
Of everything I’ve ever lost
it’s you I miss the most
It’s you I can’t let go of
It’s you that I regret so much
The albatross around my neck
The light from which I cannot hide
The beauty that reveals the truth
of how ugly I’ve always felt
It’s you
and after all this time
I fear it always will be
The edge is dull
but it still cuts
as you can plainly see

There will come a day

When you regret your sacrifice

The choice of who to count on

Was always yours

And all that could have been

That was cast aside

Rests now on your shoulders

And will weigh heavy on your heart

All in due time

I miss the me I was

When I was around you

The me I pushed myself to be

Because you made me

Want to be better

The me I turned into

Because I thought that me

Could maybe be a part

Of your life for awhile

The me that I was

When you were watching

Is who I wish I was

But I’m not, as you could see

That’s why you went away

Because the real me

Isn’t half the person

That I tried to be

I guess that I’m just all

That I can really be

This me that I’ve become

Since you left me behind

But I so badly want that me

That I used to be

Maybe I can find that me again

It feels like forever ago

But it still eats at me

That I don’t understand

Exactly what went wrong

I guess I never will

Only she could tell me

Help me understand

She chose from the start

To keep me in the dark

I never had a chance

Never knew what I was doing

I just followed her

Taking joy in helping

She’s long since moved on

There was nothing there

Yet I’m still stuck somewhere

On the path she led me

Trying to decipher

Something without meaning

Not sure of the way

I’m supposed to go