Month: August 2020

Forgive me while I self-destruct

You were the pin I pulled

The stand-in for everything I valued

That was better thrown away

(in my twisted head, anyway)

Than appreciated for what it was

Always wanting more

But never quite feeling

As if I deserve any of it

So here I am again

Picking up the pieces

Of another near-explosion

Wishing I could have it all

Back the way it was

I was the closest to happy

That I’d ever been

And likely ever will be

But it wasn’t enough

To quiet down the voice of doubt

It creeped back in

Took back over

And now I’m left broken

With nothing to show

There’s always something to learn

From every new day and experience

The only thing we truly know

Is that we’ll never know all there is

It’s a lesson that’s often hard to remember

And yet the most important thing to recall

When you’re in the middle of it

It’d be so easy to blame you

You told me to feel again, after all

But how could you have known

That you’d walked up to a broken man

And pulled the scabs off the open wounds

And I’ve been bleeding out ever since

You walked away from me

Trying to keep myself together

As all the bits and pieces fell

I’m barely hanging on right now

But I’ll put myself back together

With every last bit of will I have

I’ll find a way to carry on

Someone that supposedly didn’t want to hurt me

And you’re the one that almost did me in

But I won’t let you have that claim

You almost took everything

But almost doesn’t count

Every little bit of you I get to see
just serves to make me want to know more
You captivate me in ways
that no one ever has before
I want to learn every inch of you
inside and out
Mind, body, and soul
You’ve pulled me in so deep
but I don’t care
I just want to drown in you forever
and let the world fade away

Like Prometheus gave man fire

You walked into my life

And showed me how to feel again

But then you took that flame away

And now I feel its absense

In fact that’s all I feel these days

The nothing that is haunting me

So cold and empty

Clinging to a memory

Of something that was never really mine

All I can do is try

To find my feet

And learn to fill that hole

With something just as beautiful

As I found you

But there’s nothing of beauty left

In this dark and lonely world

I fear I’ll never feel the way

I did for you again

And would a life without light or color

Truly be worth living?

It will have to be

Because I can’t keep hoping

For you to bring back your light

You put that fire out so long ago

I’ll just have to find another spark

Though those seems so few and far between

It’s days like this I miss you most

When I just want someone to talk to

And it’s stupid to even think of you

At a time like this

When we haven’t spoken for so long

But I can’t help where my mind wanders

And maybe I just don’t want to let go

Maybe I found in you

All that I was searching for

And perhaps I’m just not meant to have it

You were the best friend I’d had

In what felt like forever

I was so sure we’d always be connected

I guess I was misguided

It wouldn’t be the first time

And I’m not really sure I’ll ever be

Ready to move on

I wasn’t looking when you found me

I don’t want to look right now

I don’t think I’ll be able

To handle what would happen

If I went through this torture yet again

So I’ll cling to these moments

These stray thoughts and reminders

The reasons why I never wanted

To let somebody in

Feels like I’ve been waiting

All my life for something

That was never really meant to be

Oh sure, I’ll keep looking

But I can’t help the feeling

That maybe I found it

And threw it away

Or perhaps it never existed

Outside of my fantasies

I really don’t know

But until it’s all over

I guess I won’t know

I always focus in on the wrong thing
The biggest mistake wasn’t falling for you
I don’t regret showing you my soul
Letting you in wasn’t the disaster
The moment it all fell apart in my hands
was when I panicked and lost control
When I saw it all going up in flames
and my first instinct
was to throw gas on the fire
I should’ve stayed calm
I should’ve stayed cool
I let old fears and habits stand between us
set myself up to push you away
And I have nothing and no one to blame”
but myself
It’s too late for explanations
and the apologies aren’t worth their words
The chain reaction I sent in motion
by letting it all overwhelm me
has left me broken here
with nothing to show but an endless obsession
a life full of holes
perfectly shaped like all the things I’ve lost
scars I have to learn to live with
somehow

You don’t have to speak the words

I know the truth that you can’t say

I’m not worth the effort for

Anyone to stick around

Once they see the heart and soul

The real me I keep inside

They run as far as fast as they can

I’m just not worth sticking with

I’ll never be the kind of man

That everyone just seems to like

It’s just best to leave me here

All alone with my own thoughts

I can’t be a burden then

I would only drag you down

I keep hoping

That somehow it’ll all work out

That I’ll find a way to feel something

Other than this crushing weight

I keep trying

To dig out of this grave I’ve built

Surrounded by the dirt and dark

Nothing wants to come inside

I keep fighting

To bring the light into the world

To be the voice for someone else

That I wish to hear in my own ears

I keep falling

And where before I rose again

I can’t seem to find my feet

Maybe it’s not worth it now

But I’ll keep going

Because there’s nothing else for me

But to be the man I am

And someday maybe I’ll learn why