Month: August 2020

The hardest part

Is letting go

When all you want

Is to hold on

So tightly

To something

That lost its meaning

Long ago

But there’s nothing

In my grip

It all slipped

And flew away

And now I’m empty

It still hurts

To think of you

Coming here to see this

I just don’t understand

I guess I never will

And the challenge is

Getting to a place

Where I know

You’re still reading

But no longer care

Enough to let it

Under my skin

Or in my head

But I’m not there

And it burns

Like salt in a wound

To know you’ve seen

These deepest parts

Of my soul

Laid bare to heal

That you bear witness

To what’s come

Of what I thought

Was more important

Than anything else

And your only reaction

Is to read silently

I’m left to assume

That I was nothing

Despite the feelings

Despite the connection

I knew I couldn’t

Be to you

What you were to me

But I never thought

I had no meaning

No impact on your life

That all we shared

Was empty and hollow

And that there’s no room

For someone that cares

In your world

I guess I’m supposed

To call it all a mistake

To write it off

And move on

But I’ve tried

And you keep bringing

Everything back

With your quiet glances

Whose meaning

I can’t comprehend

You’re stronger than me

So if this was nothing

If we’re not meant to be

Even as friends

Then cut me off

And walk away

Completely

Cut the crap

Stop looking my way

And leave me to

My nothing

So much beauty in the world

Deep orange sunsets into glassy waves

The sights and sounds of the great green forests

Clear mountain skies and endless horizons

The glow of the moon cutting through boughs

Stars at rest in imperfect arrangements

Mornings rising out of the shadows

Nights spent in the middle of nothing and everyrhing

The vastness of Earth and all creation

Love and life and all it has to offer

I just lack someone to share it all with

And so much is meant to be shared

I always fall

And when I do

I fall for the unavailable

I fall for the unobtainable

I fall for those that would never in a million years fall for me

I fall so far so fast that I fly right past the warning signs

Past the obstacles

Past all reason and common sense

Right into the trap that I keep setting for myself

And when I fall

I fall hard

I fall deep

I find myself drowning in it

Overwhelmed by the sensation of it all

To the point that I lose sight of reality

It feels so good in that moment

But then the moment passes

And everything I fell right by

Comes rushing in to face me

And I find myself having to find a way back

Back to where I fell from

Alone

I fall

And it takes so little time to fall

But it takes a little longer to get back up each time

And I always fear that the next time I fall

And no one’s there to catch me

That I won’t find a way to rise again

If only I could find

Something that makes me feel

The way your smile did

Not the one you gave to everyone

That cute little lopsided thing

You always flashed my way

The sign of welcome relief

That I knew all too well

If only something could take the place

Of the sound of your laughter

It used to lift me up

Like wind beneath me

Carrying me through rough days

If only there was a way

To match the boost you used to give

To my waning self-esteem

And find that little push I need

To fight my way through the darkest days

But alas, it’s not to be

Nothing can take the place you left

Not in quite the same way or shape

It’s up to me to find a way

To make it without those gifts you once gave

But if only…

It was the furthest from first sight
(perhaps that how it happened at all)
Such a slow descent to madness
I lost myself in her somehow
despite knowing all the dangers
Something in her sucked me in
right past the warning signs
She hooked me without trying
and reeled me in just far enough
that when she cut the net to throw me back
I no longer knew which way was up
I’d have followed her to the ends of the Earth
Stood up to anything and anyone
just for the right to win a heart
that was never meant to be mine
And when it grew too much for her
the distance proved too much for me
and I almost felt into the void
she opened up between us
But as I find myself crawling out
little flashes of those moments
that pulled me onward in the first place
show up out of nowhere
to try and knock me off these ledges
back into that giant hole
Some part of me would love to find
the way back up onto her side
of this great divide
but even in the deepest darkness
the grandest part of willful ignorance
I know that isn’t meant to be
and so I struggle up these cliffs
trying to find my way back to me
and hoping when I scale this
that I( don’t find myself falling
from trying to peer over this distance
to find her again

Someone get me out of my head for awhile

I’m not enjoying my own company

Tilting at windmills and stuck in the past

It’s become a chore to be me

I keep asking myself questions

It’s not my place to answer

Knowing that there’s nothing left to say

Expecting responses no one can give

And letting myself down consistently

How can I get away for awhile

Clear my head and find my center

When the entire problem is

The very root of who I am?

I hope you’re enjoying the view

Coming back to the scene of the crime

Why do you keep checking in?

Are you that happy to watch

As my world burns down around me?

The spark you threw on the tinderbox

Has turned into an inferno

That’s taken me months to set lines around

And get some kind of containment

Just when I think I have it all

Under some semblance of control

You pop your head in as if to check

And make sure the fires are still burning

Never doing a damn thing

To help me as I would’ve helped you

Just let the sucker burn, I guess

Lessons that I should’ve learned

But I’m a little busy now

Trying to recover all the things I almost lost

Too wrapped up in the damage that you did

When you chose to throw away

The best thing that had happened to me

In what was pretty close to

The worst year of my life so far

So no, I’m not doing fine

My life has almost turned to ashes

I let your fire burn too long

Almost past recovery

But now I’ve gotten past it all

At least enough to function

And I’ve said it all before

But I’ll say it once again

Either help me make sense of it all

Or stay away and let me clean this up

By myself as I’ve always had to do before

It’s all about the struggle

The drive to find something real

The thing that gets you out of bed and moving

It has to be inside you

Because you can’t rely on anyone or anything external

To always be there for you in the end

Things and people change too much

Honesty isn’t guaranteed

Openness is a fantasy

You have to fight for you yourself

Not for someone else

I’m thinking of her a lot lately

And how the failure of our friendship

Is such a perfect metaphor

For everything else in my life as well

It’s the kind of story I wish I could’ve written

Except that fictional me

Would have to have his happy ending

Tied up neatly with a bow

While reality is never that neat and tidy

And who knows what my end shall be?

That’s for me to live and find out

And while I miss her

And think of her with fondness

And some regret for how things were left

I’m in no position to change the past

And there’s no point in worrying

About things out of my control

So it’s time to carry on