Month: August 2020

There’s such a gulf between
where I am right now
and where I want to be
I keep carrying on
but some days are such a struggle
and the scenery never changes
I can’t quite cross the distance
and the weight I bear grows heavier
with every single footstep
And I can’t escape the feeling
to stop and help each stranger
I find along these pathways
I’ve given them so much of me
I’m not sure what’s left
I take a few more ounces
off each and every shoulder
The burdens on my own back
grow greater with each addition
I can’t keep thinking maybe
won’t make it to my ending
if I keep on stopping
to take a little more
That stranger that I’m looking for
around each and every corner
isn’t waiting for me
I have to go myself
I have to learn to hold this weight
high above my body
and drag it through the growth ahead
if I’m to find my way

I’m not supposed to bleed

To cry or fall apart

I’m meant to be the source of strength

It’s all I have to offer

If I don’t have that

Then I don’t have anything

I guess I gave out everything

There’s nothing left for me

No well for me to draw from

My heart has all run dry

And if I can’t lift myself up

What good am I to someone else?

Who helps out the helper

When the helper falls?

When I speak

No one cares to listen

So why bother?

Why waste the time?

Why waste these words?

All I ever wsnted

Was someone to hear me

To hear and to understand

But there’s nothing out there

Just silence

Silence I keep shouting into

And all I get are echoes

Off the empty walls

Not sure why I try

Opening my mouth

Expelling my breath

When it all comes to naught

No one hears

No one listens

Only silence

I still suffer

I saw a picture today

A snapshot of something beautiful

Happiness and peace

A tranquil sea amid organized chaos

Exactly what I’ve always wanted

What I’ve worked so hard to find

It’s hard not to be envious

Of what that image represents

All that’s captured in that moment

I would give anything to have

Somewhere, somewhen that waits for me

If only I could find the path

That picture could be me someday

When I stop moving

The weight becomes too much

Everything starts to fall

And the voice of every mistake

Comes pouring in

I can’t deal with that

I don’t have it in me

To fight back against the tides

Of doubt and tortured hindsight

That saunter right on back

The burden gets heavier

The sound grows louder

Every moment they find their way in

I don’t know how to break free

Not completely

Not forever

So I can’t slow down

I can’t keep still

I don’t get to enjoy silence

For silence and stillness

Are quickly replaced

By the unrelenting pressure

That always follows me

I gave her what she wanted

And that’s why I still hurt

I cared more strongly

I felt most deeply

And in the end

I’m the one that needed her

But she couldn’t fill that role

I’m still not sure I can face that

Facing that means moving on

And I’m not sure I can

Not without closure

Not without comment

Not without breaking this silence

This deafening roar of nothing

That our differences pushed us to

All the care and concern I have

Won’t hide the selfish need

I need to know she hears me

I need to know that she once cared

I need to know that she’s all right

And better off without me

It’s not easy to give up

Everything you ever wanted

Even when that everything

Wasn’t ever yours

So if she hears me

All I ask is that she say so

Please cut through this seperation

If only for a moment

Grant me the peace I don’t deserve

But badly need to find

So this is how it’s going to be?

Scared of my own shadow

For fear of fucking up again

Just keep head down and mouth shut

Don’t let them in or near

Because you just can’t know

This is what I learned from her?

To never speak to anyone new?

No, this isn’t the way to live

But now I’m trapped in my own head

A stupid, sorry, simple fool

Reduced to silence and avoidance

By the pain I can’t escape

Looking for a way out

Of my own damn mind

“You’ll be dead by thirty.”

That’s what the doctors said

Back when I was a teen

They were almost right

It’s been four years

Just shy of that milestone marker

That I managed to survive

What I’m sure was meant to take me

Four unpromised years

So much time beyond

What I was told to expect

And how am I spending it?

Living a clockwork nightmare

Chasing after people

(but only in my head)

Trying to find the words of praise

To fuel my codependent fire

Form whatever source I can

I should be making so much more

Of this extra life I’m granted

Surely I’m supposed to be

A part of something bigger

That’s got to be why I’m still here

Or else this time should’ve been given

To someone that could use it better

Surely I’m not meant to suffer

This lonely, mindless existence

But I don’t know what to do

And the things I desperately want

Just don’t seem to be meant to be mine

Someone or something must be out there

To point me in the right direction

This time wasn’t meant to be wasted, I know

So help me find the way

Here I am

Still atop my painted pony

Riding in to save the damsel

Except there’s no distress

Like Don Quixote

I can’t see past my visions

To find the reality

That she’s fine without me

And that I need her

Far more than she needs me

Trying to validate

My unending self-sacrifice

And find happiness

In making others happy

Because that hole inside

Never seems to fill

Tilt at these windmills

With pointless devotion

To a cause that isn’t mine

I had that dream again

You know, the one I only ever told you about

But this time I was the victim

Buried alive, trapped and fearing

And you were the only one that knew

You knew where I was

Only you could save me in time

But you didn’t care

You didn’t care enough to find me

Or to tell someone where to find me

You left me to die

And in some sick way

I probably deserved it

But that’s where I am now

Lost underneath all this weight

And you could lift it off of me

At any time if you only wished

But you don’t care

And I can’t blame you

But I just want it to be over

I want out from under this

And the one person that could help

Is you, but you’ve got no reason to

So I’m stuck in this nightmare

Unable to move or look away

As you peer inside

Then vanish and leave me to my grave