Month: July 2020

I’m starting to wonder if this will ever end
I just can’t seem to get you out of my head
Not completely, anyway
And just when it all starts to fade
Some absent reminder appears
To push you back into my memory
It just seemed like such a betrayal
A sudden, solemn end to something
That should’ve been long lasting
We were fast friends
As far as I could tell
Still don’t know how I could be wrong
So damn wrong
And after all this time
I guess it all meant more to me
Than even I want to admit
But I still hold out hope
That I can find my way forward
And get to the day when thinking of you
Doesn’t bring me to my knees

Why can’t I forget her?
There was never going to be anything there
I knew it from the start
And yet here I am so far removed
Still trying to get her out of my head
And every time it starts to fade
I stumble over another reminder
Or she pops back in for just a moment
And it all comes rushing back
I wish there’d come a day
When a thought of her
Didn’t cause me so much anguish
Over what I wanted and what I lost
And the mistakes we both made
Shouldn’t that have come by now?
Why can’t I let go?

Thank you
for giving me something else to beat myself up over
as if I weren’t depressed enough

Thank you
for walking away when you did
so that it could be the topper on a really bad year

Thank you
for not quite disappearing completely
the popping in on my world totally doesn’t tie me up in knots

Thank you
for reminding me of everything I was missing
right when I’d gotten used to living without tit

Thank you
for opening the wounds that had taken so long to heal
Pulling off the scab was so much fun

Thank you
for getting so close to me so quickly and easily
Those walls weren’t there for a reason or anything

Thank you
for letting me get to know you so well
rhen completely misunderstanding everything I say and do

Thank you
for lifting me up out of a giant rut
only to let me free fall when I could’ve used you

Thank you
for nothing
and everything all at once

I grew far too comfortable
Bathing in the warmth
That you chose to radiate
And now that you’ve hidden away
I’m struggling to live without it
And while I wish I had the answers
To what’s going on in your head
I fear I can make educated guesses
By how I’d think in your shoes
I wish I could get through to you
I wish I could show my concern
I wish I could bring back the light
To this dark world we’re trapped inside
I wish a lot of things
But wishing never makes it so
And I don’t know what else to do
I miss that light, that warmth you carried
I miss reflecting in your joy
And if only I could bring that back
If only I could give back to you
If only I could be your light

I scream into the void
hearing the words echo off my lips
forgetting that no one’s listening
Or ever seems to care
I’m not meant for anything more
than carrying other people’s burdens
I’m the one with the broad shoulders
straining under all the weight
These feet weren’t made for this
Not meant to cover all this distance
But still I run against the wind
I can’t stop now
But I’m not sure how many miles
I have left that I can move
My limits just don’t seem to matter
Nothing I say has any meaning
I’m not supposed to speak
unless it’s encouraging words
The moment I show weakness
I get left behind
But I’ve been strong for far too long
and all these joints are breaking
The seams are splitting
the cracks too big to miss
and I don’t think I can keep it all together

I opened up my soul
and you stuck the knife right in
I never saw it coming
and still can’t understand
I’ve never trusted easily
and yet you found a way
to get past all the walls
and remind me why
they were built at all
I thought you really got me
I thought we thought alike
I thought I might’ve finally found
a friend I could rely on
We both were missing something
and I hoped we could find it
I guess I never realized
that you didn’t want my help
And I’m not worth the work
of even speaking face to face
I would’ve done anything
just to see you smile
Still probably would
which even I admit is sad
The idea that I might’ve hurt you
makes this all more painful
and harder to get past
Why do I even care?
You’re the one that hurt me
so bad I can’t move on
over misunderstandings
and mistakes made in moments
though you won’t hear the explanations
I’m not worth it to you
My friendship wasn’t worth it
and that’s what hurts the most
My friendship wasn’t worth it
the trouble I guess I brought
It wasn’t even worth it
to let me have some closure
You’d rather just disappear
and pop in on occasion
to see me spill my mental anguish
on on virtual pages
for everyone to mock me over
But this is all I have
So here I am again
writing words that will embarrass
another piece that I’ll regret
But it’s hard to care
when the only thing that gives me
even a moment of respite
is pouring my heart out
to someone that wouldn’t listen
and a world at large that doesn’t care

I don’t know if these words will ever find you

If by some grand miracle they do

Then I hope they give you comfort

And I hope you know I’m sorry

For the headaches that I caused you in the end

I tried to find a way to make it up to you

I tried to give you what you seemed to want

But then again I never seemed

To know just what you wanted

If I had things wouldn’t be this way

I wish there was a way to start things over

Some magic wand to wave to make all right

But the words have failed me

There’s nothing left to do

But hope someday you’ll find it in your heart

To forgive my actions and my failures

To find a place that maybe we can try

To find that certain something

That once brought us together

So that I may set aside my guilt

I guess it won’t matter soon

I’ll be done with her forever

Never have to see her again

But that’s not what I wanted

Not now, not ever

I wanted to fix things

I wanted to be friends again

I wanted to be a part of her life

In some way, shape, or form

I didn’t want to be stuck here

Wondering what’s going on

I didn’t want the silence

I didn’t want her to just disappear

Never to be heard from again

But it won’t matter soon

Soon she’ll be gone forever

And never have to see me again

I’ll be just an unpleasant memory

And she’ll be my biggest regret

And that’s just how it will be

Say something, would you?

Something, anything

Give me a reason to still care

Or to give up and walk away

Cut me off completely

Or give me another chance

To be what I tried to be

The mixed messages

Are leaving me broken

As long as there’s something

For me to have to figure out

I’ll keep struggling to understand

And there’ll be no understanding

Unless you enlighten me

I’m tired of writing about you
And watching as you pop in
To read about how I’m feeling
You could always ask, you know
I’m not the one that cut anyone off
Without even a word
I’m tired of spending any time
Thinking about you at all
I mean, what good does it do?
You decided to cast me away
Just because I care too much
So how would showing how I still care
Mean a damn thing to you
It never did before
And why even care in the first place?
If I was drowning and you could save me
You’d probably just walk away
And let me sink to the bottom
So why waste the time and energy?
I wish I knew