Month: July 2020

I know I’m the last voice

You’d ever want to hear

But I call out to you anyway

I hope these words find you

And give you some comfort

In these trying times

I’m sure you have all the love

And support you could need

But I can’t shake the feeling

This moment is why we met

If only I had more to offer

Than sympathies and apologies

I’d gladly send it all your way

But these words are all I have

And even they may not make it

But I’ll keep trying to get through

Because you should have them

And take comfort where you can

You shined so bright in my life

You deserve to keep shining

You deserve to live

Whatever life you choose

So may you find what you’re looking for

And may you always be free

Standing at the edge
Staring off in the distance
What’s left to go back for?
Just take the last step
Let the void swallow me
Nothing of value
Would be lost

Can we start again?
I jumped the gun and missed my cue
And now instead of standing in the spotlight
I’ve been pushed off stage right
(which is probably for the best)
Shut off the lights already
Save the curtain call for those that deserve it
I forgot all my lines
And stumbled over the words
And all I did was make a fool of myself
In front of the only audience that mattered
Somewhere I lost the blocking
I couldn’t cover it up this time
Maybe it’s time to just give up
I can’t ever seem to get it right
Different show, same old reviews
Never the leading man
Not even good enough for the supporting role
Better off behind the scenes
But I keep trying
And failing
And now the crowd is laughing
When they’re supposed to be in awe
I give up
Just cast someone else next time
I’m not meant for the limelight
Take the makeup off
Find someone to fit the costume
Someone better suited for the role
Someone that can say the right things
And be what you need
Someone that’s not me

I’ve always found self worth
In being there for others
And in my haste to try and claim
More than I deserved
I sacrificed my value
Instead of being what she needed
When she actually needed it
I threw that all away
By complete and utter accident
Not knowing that in doing so
I’d fail at doing the only thing
I always though I could do well
I tossed aside my loyalty
Left somewhere in the aftermath
Set down the strength I have to give
In my moments of weakness
My shoulders were meant to be cried upon
My arms were made for holding up
And yet I stand here far away
From one whose burdens need carrying
This is what I was meant for
Instead I gave up on meaning
I was supposed to be your friend
What kind of friend did I come to be?
Not much of one after all
I wish I could go back
Make myself understand what would come
But no, we both are left to suffer
For the sins of my ego
I should be doing something now
Helping you face what’s going on
Instead I’m mourning what should’ve been
While she deals with everything
With the people that didn’t fail her

I failed
This is why we were supposed to meet

And I failed
I’m not able to be there in her time of need

I failed
I wasn’t strong enough to keep feelings out of it

I failed her
She’s out there somewhere pushing through it all

And I failed
I’m the one that’s supposed to hold up the world

I failed
I should be standing there by her side

But I failed
And I’ll struggle with this failure for some time

I’ve been staring at this screen for what feels like forever
Trying to find a different set of words to say
In ways that haven’t been said a million times over
Exactly what I’m thinking and feeling
But right now I’m just lost and numb
Worrying about someone that’s none of my business
Hearing bits and pieces through the grapevines
And hoping I’m hearing things wrong
Because I can’t possibly live with the thought
That she’s out there suffering through that
And I can’t even give words of comfort
All this bitter back and forth in my head
Doesn’t mean a damn thing right now
I wish there was something I could do
Some way to reach out
But there’s nothing that would be welcome right now
Nothing I can do
I’m worthless and useless and powerless
I can’t help thinking that I was meant to be there
This is the reason and time we met for
And I screwed it all up too soon
And there’s nothing I can do to fix it

They tell you to write what you know
But I’m tired of that story
I don’t want to feel this pain and frustration
Pouring it out on the page does little
To ease the creeping anxiety
This world was a whole lot brighter
Not so very long ago
But I can’t bring that back
I’m stuck here on the dark
And when you only want to help people
Spreading angst doesn’t seem very helpful
There’s enough of that out there
But it’s all I’ve got to give now
Beautiful, terrible words
The essence of where my head’s at
I try to fix what’s broken in others
But can’t seem to repair myself
So what can I do
But keep spreading these words
Out over the ages
And hope that someday something clicks
And I can sow a little more joy
And a little less sorrow

Take me back
to dive bars
and time under the stars
to singing along
at the top of our lungs
midnight drives
and days playing house
When we didn’t know
what came next
or how distant we’d be
When all that mattered
was the moment
Damn all the rest
To when life felt lived
and the stars held promise
No worries, no cares
just the open road
and home away from home
Good friends and good times
So long ago

All I wanted was a chance to be your biggest mistake
Instead it was me that made the wrong choice
When you first called my name I could’ve walked away
But I stayed and I put my heart on the line
Gave you the support you seemed to be looking for
Was I supposed to predict that I’d need it instead?
I couldn’t have seen that I’d come to regret
Being who and what I’d always tried to be
Letting you draw me out of my shell
Only to have you push me back inside
Lock me back up and throw away the key
Slam the door in my face, yet stare in the peephole
Are you happy? Are you entertained?
Does it give you pleasure to know
that some part of me still gives a damn
despite all the pain you put me through
All in the name of defensing something
I was never a threat to
unless there’s something you never told me
(which would be funny, since I was always honest)
I’ll never understand exactly what led us to this
Was it fated to fall apart from the beginning?
Was it all a waste of time?
I can’t bring myself to believe that
even knowing how it all turned out
There had to be a reason behind it all
some meaning that I’m missing
too caught up in the grief and mourning
to see the silver lining waiting near
Maybe someday I’ll find it
and be able to set regret aside
And somewhere in my heart I hope you’ve done the same

Your ungainly exit from my world
Has only left me hanging lost and confused
I wish there was a way for me to reach out
To know how you are really doing
In these trying times
But I’ll never know unless you choose
To let me back into your light somehow
I’ll have to get used to the dark
I shouldn’t bring myself to worry
About outside concerns
I have far too much to handle
Down here in my bubble
But you’re out there somewhere
Going through whatever battles
Brought you away from here
And some small part of me
Just wishes I could take up arms
And help your through whatever struggles
You’re trying to face down
It’s a sad and sorry situation
I find myself buried in
And I don’t know how to dig out
Or if I even really want to
I might be better off just letting it all hold me down
So I never have to live with
Finding myself buried at the behest of someone else
It might just be this hill I’m meant to die on