Month: June 2020

I try to write something
Clever and creative
But all that comes out
Is heavy-handed garbage
When all I can think about
Is how impotent and useless
I’ve turned out to be
Things that mean so much to me
Have been stripped away
And left me feeling empty
Yet there’s nothing to replace them
I struggle again for meaning
Which you’d think I’d know by now
I thought I’d found it all
But I’ve crashed and burned so many times
I’d expect to survive another fall
But these two back to back have left me
Stuck
There’s no better word for it
I’m stuck here at rock bottom
Unable to climb out
After putting too much importance
On my place in the world
Where there just doesn’t seem to be
A place for me at all
I can’t be what I’m meant to be
When the spot is ripped away
I can’t be what I’m best at
When I’m replaced or abandoned
So quickly and easily
These moments of doubt and failure
This time have left me broken
And I don’t know how to fix me anymore
Or if it’s even worth it
All the times I’ve been walked away from
Maybe that’s the answer
Maybe I’m just supposed to walk away myself…

Drowning in pages and pages of words
All for nothing and no one
Angst and anguish
Anger and frustration
Pouring out in language no soul will ever see
No point to the profession
Of all that emotion
When the reason for the feelings
Will never hear a sound
But the outpouring won’t stop
It all has to go somewhere
And nothing this powerful can stay locked away
So out it springs
In fountains of letters
Never meant to be read
That hopefully someday will find a real home

Life goes on
and still I think of you
I’m starting to wonder if I always will
I want to reach out
I want to make things right
but I’ve got no way of doing so
that won’t defeat the purpose
Somewhere out there
you’re living your best life
(at least I hope you are)
while I can’t escape the shadow
that’s fallen over me
all because neither of us understood
ourselves or each other
And while I know all too well
that there’s nothing I can do
and that all this thought and torture
is for naught
Knowing and accepting
are two far different states
and some part of me refuses
to accept the truth

Wherever you are
Whatever you’re facing
Know that someone cares
Know that you’re admired
And appreciated
For who you are
For what you’ve been through
For what you bring to the world
Know that you are beautiful
In all the ways that matter
And above all else
Know that you are loved

Letting go is the hardest part
Admitting it’s all over
That there’s nothing you can do
Trying to make sense
When there’s just no understanding
Learning when to walk away
And when to stand your ground
This isn’t time for standing
Shake off the false conviction
There’s no shame in giving up
When there’s nothing left to fight for
The battle’s long been lost
And maybe someday you’ll figure out
Just where it all went wrong
But now is not the time or place
And does it really matter why
When you’re only hurting yourself
Trying to hold back the tide
When the wall’s already fallen?
Wouldn’t it be better
To get away before you drown
In the why’s and what if’s

What are you waiting for?
Finish what you started
Why the hesitation now?
Your finger’s on the trigger
Pull it and be done
You dug your nails into the skin
Just tear the flesh and let’s be quick
Keep stomping on the brittle bones
Hear them breaking underneath
It’s far too late to hold back now
Just get it done
Your willing victim is here
And he doesn’t want to bleed out slowly
This is what you wanted, after all
Don’t second guess it now
Stick the needle in so you can walk away
And clear your conscience
Of all the pain your caused
He knew what he was getting into
So give it to him
And get it over with

I got lost today in a memory
A picture of better times
Brighter times
When life was full of promise
And everything was still new
I hadn’t thought of you
Or them or then
In forever
But just a glimpse brought back to me
What seems like a lifetime ago
The salt and sand
The storm coming in
We probably shouldn’t have been there
And why we even went is lost to time
But that day we made memories
I remember that being something you held dear
And I didn’t get the importance then
But looking back now, I wish I’d had
The foresight you seemed to possess
We were all so happy then
I can’t help but wonder where you are now
I hope the world’s been kind enough
Kinder than it has to me
And I wish that I had more time to spend
Lost in memories of then
For that’s a much better place than here and now

Take the memories from my mind
Those days are over
There’s no going back
What use is it to think about
What could’ve been
What should’ve been
And what those moments meant to me
When in retrospect
That meaning was artificial
Added by an addled brain
That clearly couldn’t see
The differences of experiences
Between you and I
Let them fade
Like the day fades into darkness
Everything has an opposite
Each passing minute ends
Entropy is the only true fact of life
And what good is an unreliable narrator
A point of view reflecting
Scattered slices of what happened
Skewed by the emotions of the time
There’s nothing there left to find
By looking back

For all I know, you’re dead
You’re dead and gone and never coming back
I’m obsessing over a dead girl
And unless I’ve got magic voodoo powers
There’s nothing I can do to bring you back
That would be kinda gross, anyway
Imagine holding a dead girl in your arms
But I digress
Maybe the healthiest thing I can do
Is keep telling myself you’re dead
And I’ll never see you again
Maybe then I can move on
Besides, for all I know you are
And I don’t have the time or energy to spare
Worrying about a dead girl

Woke up one day
To a world unrecognizable
The places that I knew and loved
Had kept on turning in my sleep
Nothing’s what it used to be
Or maybe it’s me that’s changed
And likely not for the better
Time goes by and life goes on
And nothing ever stays the same
So here I am
The people around me changing
Adapting
And me stuck unmoved
Clinging to a world that never really was
Or will be again