Month: May 2020

Let me be the rock on which you stand
When you can’t quite reach the top
Your shelter from the storms too strong to face down
A light in the darkness
So you may always find your way home
Let it be my shoulder you cry on
When it’s all become too much
My arms you fall into when the the day is through
My hands that hold you when you need a little strength
My back that carries you over those last few steps
My heart, my soul, my everything
They could all be yours
If you let them be

Lost again
I’m lost again
Somewhere I’m sure I’m not supposed to be
Lost but seeking the right way home
I don’t even know where home is
I can’t shake the feeling that I’ll know it when I see it
But I’ve never even been close
And every time I’ve thought I might’ve found it
I find I’m wrong when everything falls apart again
There’s no use pretending anymore
I don’t know what I’m supposed to be
Or even what direction I’m supposed to be heading in
If someone or something could just set me straight
Show me the first steps of the right path
So that I may get to a place I can rest along the way
I’m so tired of failing
So tired of being wrong
So tired of losing
I’m lost
And all I want is answers
But I don’t even know the questions anymore
And the struggle has left me empty

I sit here and tell myself
That I’m just doing what so many have done before me
An unrequited love and borderline obsession
Neither are anything new or exciting
But those previous poets, bards, authors and musicians
Never had to deal with Facebook
Deciding I should be “friends” with your mom
While I’m on there, getting updates
And trying desperately to stop worrying about you
This isn’t that world anymore
And I’m an amateur at best
And I can’t keep using excuses to explain why I’m still stuck on you
When I honestly don’t know why
I need to figure it out so that I can move on
Because you already have someone that cares about you
You already have someone standing beside you
And no amount of my words or wishes
Will make that go away
I’ve done enough damage with my hopeless rambling
And if I really want what’s best for you
It’s time to admit that’s probably not me
And go back to stalking ex-classmates
Leave the writing to real wordsmiths
And let you fade away

Maybe if I keep digging this hole
I’ll reach the other side
That’d surely be faster and easier
Than trying to climb back out
I’ve been shoveling too long to stop now
And yes I can hear you all up there
Pointing and laughing and piling on
I hope it brings you some satisfaction
To bear witness to my self-destruction
At least then I’ll have done some good
As I race toward rock bottom
And keep finding more layers to dig through

When the darkness overwhelms you
Search for the light inside
Even when there’s nothing left
There’s always something to cling to
Hold on tight
Keep fighting against the odds
Don’t let the darkness win
Someone out there will always try to hold you down
Break free
Find that someone or something trying to lift you up
And let them
And even if you can’t hear or see them
Know they’re out there
Draw on them if you must
Whatever you need to set that spark
Keep the fire in your soul alight
To push back against the cold and damp
You can make it
You can make it through anything
As long as you try

I wish I’d seen this coming
It’s funny how things work
Have you come to regret it yet
Or do you still have no remorse?
It was a pretty swift move
Never even saw the knife blade
As it plunged into my back
Did you get what you wanted?
I really hope you did
Because if not, what was the point?
To kill off my trust of you
To throw away respect
To take exactly what I wanted
Right out of my hands
As I was just about to get it?
I hope you can live with it
Your choice to toss me away
Because you cut my connection
To this place and these people
And now I finally feel free
To get up and walk away
I’m done now
You were the final straw
There’s no one left to trust
No one worth it
Not one
So I guess you gave me something
As you took away
You opened my eyes
And I won’t be caught that way again

I love it how
Even on my worst days
You can find a way to make it worse
To dig me a deeper hole
It’s so much fun
When standing on the nothing left
You can still sweep in
And knock it out from under me
One snide word
One reminder that I’m the last person
In the world you want to deal with
As if it were by my choice
And suddenly you’re holding me down
Underneath the water
I had just managed to crest above
Don’t you get tired of crushing me?
Is it really necessary
To keep fresh salt flowing
I mean, how can you find that wound
In the middle of them all?

How many times
and how many ways
can I say the same things?
I miss you
I want you
I hope you’re okay
The words have lost all meaning
And yet words are all I have
Cliches and platitudes
and pearls of wisdom I don’t even follow myself
Somehow some part of me
still believes that some magic combination
of all these words and phrases
will fix things between us
Just keep doing it over and over
So I guess you could call me crazy
by that old apocryphal quote
…but try telling my heart that
as it worries and scrambles
trying to make sense of it all
and make right something that can never be
So here I am
saying it all again
I miss you
I love you
I want to be a part of your life somehow
in whatever way I fit
(which is probably not at all by now)
But I’ll keep trying
and digging a deeper hole

I ran across a memory today
A moment shared in better times
It seems there’s always something waiting
To trip over when I start to move along
When the feelings start to fade
Some bittersweet reminder
Brings a smile and a tear
Another round of missing you
Mourning what I let slip away
At least it hurts a little less each time…

I don’t want to know the answer
Please don’t tell me the truth
I’d rather have something to cling to
Don’t think I’d survive the news
Can’t take the fact that it’s over
There’s nothing left to prove
It’s all better forgotten
There’s nothing I can do

I hold out hope for absolution
I dream of finding a way
To get what I always wanted
To feel that glimmer of faith
I know I’m asking for trouble
When it all falls apart
But right now it seems so simple
To my head and my heart

I’m walking into to fire
That’s burning out of control
I want to hold and protect you
I want to give you my soul
That’s never been what you needed
Time has made that clear
I’ve long since started to question
Just what I’m still doing here

I’ve got nothing to offer
I shouldn’t lie to myself
There’s nothing there to hold onto
I’ve been set up to fail
But there’s something inside me
That just can’t let it all go
It doesn’t care that it’s over
Or that there’s nothing to show

For all the pain and the struggle
There’s no coming relief
All this fighting for something
That doesn’t belong to me
Maybe someday I’ll wake up
And it’ll all wash away
But that’s another tomorrow
I’m still struggling today

So please don’t tell me it’s gone now
Or that you were never there
Let me have my delusions
While I have the strength to still care