Month: April 2020

Here I am again
bleeding on the pages
pouring out my breakdown
for all the world to see
The world that doesn’t stop
doesn’t even turn and look
until the drama comes
All they want is the spectacle
the sound and fury
They don’t care about the details
unless someone’s getting hurt
Is this what you came for?
Is this raw and real enough?
Do you need to see the wounds up close
to see that they ‘re still fresh?
I’ll pull the scab away for you
to keep you coming back for more
because even through the pain
I’m too afraid to be alone
Alone with my thoughts
failures and expectations
the crushing realizations
still pressing down on me
Come on by
bring your free time and your popcorn
take your front row seat
don’t mind the mess that I’ve become
Just leave me be
I’ll find my way out of my pain
in my own time
though that won’t be as exciting
as watching me hit rock bottom
and find my way further down

I need your grace today
And for the rest of my life
To carry me ahead
Through the darkest times
With this heavy load
That calls for careful motion
And a steady hand
You would keep me still
And in the brightest days
You’d still outshine the sun
Bless me with your warmth
That I may know Heaven

The perfect expression of love
Has surely already been made
And I sit here chasing after something
That has long since been put to rest
Certainly the words would be nothing new
But the magic would be in how they grab you
If only I could make it clear
The depth and breadth of my emotion
How much I care
How much I would sacrifice
To find and let the right one in
That would have to bring an end
To all the fruitless searching
It would take hold in her
Wherever she may be
And drag her to me finally
That’s the way this whole thing
Is supposed to function

What a beautiful disaster this turned out to be
Two broken people cutting each other on their jagged edges
What should’ve been solid turned bitter and ugly
Through misunderstanding and miscommunication
I tried so hard to be what I thought you needed
Tilting at windmills that weren’t mine to hunt
When in the end I had everything I wanted
And threw it away by going too far
But you looked for meaning where there was none
Made reasonable assumptions for if I were normal
But I’m anything but, if I haven’t made it clear
And I never meant to hurt or to try to steal you away
I only ever wanted to see you be happy
I just convinced myself I knew what that looked like
Better than even you did
Conceited obsession by a fool
Too caught up in being helpful
To actually help anyone
Trying to tell someone that he knows better than they do
Especially someone that would stand up and fight
When finally pushed up against proverbial walls
And though I hadn’t backed you into any corners
My fumbling ignorance could be misread
All it would’ve taken was a little more forethought
To stop and consider the source and the meaning
And I know it meant more to me than to you
Still, you can’t be happy with how things turned out
Maybe it’s too late and maybe I’d better
Just give up and move on and let this all go
Something won’t let me
I wish I knew why

Congratulations, you’ve done it again
You crashed and burned and here you are
Trying to stand up
Knowing that you’ll just keep falling down
But maybe that’s the point
Remember the last time you failed
When you had that little spark of hope
From someone that was supporting you?
Man you sure screwed that one up, too
How’s that feel?
Can we keep that wound nice and fresh, too?
You’re so much better when you just give up
Just lie down
Just take the beating that life gives you
And stop fighting back
This is what you wanted
This is what you’ve worked toward forever
This gleaming pile of failure and misery
Is the mountain you’ve built every tine
You crashed into the ground
Why would you want to leave this filth behind?
Embrace it
It’s the only thing you have left|
You’ve ruined everything else
So just be a good boy
And suffer just like everyone else