Month: February 2020

Despite my best efforts
I just can’t seem to let go
You can still draw me in
from across a crowded room
And though I see it far less now
your smile is still as beautiful
ss the first time
And though the pain has lessened with time
it still feels like something’s missing
Like there’s a hole in my life
where you used to fit
The jagged edges have softened
just a bit
and likely with more time
there’ll be just a scar
but for now the wound’s still open
and every time I see you
or think of some little thing
it reminds me it’s still there
and yet I can’t seem to look away

There’s nothing left to say
I know I should feel something
But I’m just so tired and empty
It should be sad
It should be depressing
The total loss of something
As valuable as a friend
But how long can I really be
The only one left that cares?\
Did you ever give a damn at all?
No, wait, don’t answer that
It doesn’t matter now
The past is gone
And I don’t really want or need to know
It wouldn’t change a thing
I’d still be numb
I’d still be empty
And there’d still be nothing there worth saving.

I guess I just don’t have it in me
to make you understand
The words aren’t worth their weight
or maybe you just don’t get me
like I believed
Not that it means a damn thing either way
I I don’t know what I thought I wanted
I know this isn’t it
but again, not like it matters
everything’s beyond my changing
and I just have to roll with it
off the edge, into the pit
and when I get done falling
it’s up to me somehow
to pick up all the pieces
from another fallen venture
get myself together
and get back to the start

Face it, boy, there’s nothing there to understand
By all means, keep turning yourself in knots
find the meaning underneath
…but there isn’t one.
She’s just a girl
as lost and confused as you are
trying to make her own way
and you’re the one that latched on
two ships adrift at sea
and you grabbed hold like a life preserver
trying to ride out the storm
with no direction
You don’t know what you want
and neither does she
so don’t pretend
that you are any better
Don’t struggle with the lessons
life was trying to teach you
just keep living
it’ll come to you when it should
and let her go
No one knows what the future holds
but the present is what matters
so focus on that
and not the past.

She’s the answer to the question
That I never knew to ask
That little piece of something
That fills a hole in me
And I’ll never be the same
She’s the light that won’t stop shining
On the dark parts of my soul
She’s everything I needed
That I never would’ve known
And I can’t forget her
Even if I wanted to

I didn’t mean to disturb you
Letting you into my head like this
I mean, so much emotion
So much confusion
It must be overwhelming
After all, I was the one that cared
Not you, apparently
I was the one that overvalued the friendship
I was the one that wanted to be on your mind
I wanted the best for you
Still do, to a point
I just want it for you somewhere else
But apparently it was all a charade
I was just a convenience for you
And now that I’m not needed
And more trouble that I’m worth
It’s time to just throw me away
And that’s fine, I get it
But don’t mind me if I spend a little time
Trying to sort it out
And maybe you should just look away
If that bothers you

Let me be the one
To show you how to love
How to live
How to feel
How to give yourself to someone completely
Trusting that they’ll never do your harm
Let down your guard
And let me in
So I can show you a whole new world
Full of passion and possibility
Let me sweep you off your feet
And catch you in my arms
And carry you away from troubles and worries
Let me give you my heart
All I ask is that I get yours in return

I still don’t know how it came to this
But I’m so tired of trying to figure it out
What lesson am I supposed to learn here?
I thought we knew each other better
So I guess that should be my takeaway
Not to trust someone to understand me
Until I’m really sure they get it
Or else suffer the consequences
Of being chronically misunderstood

A couple hundred miles away
sits a girl that’s come to hate me
for reasons I don’t completely understand
But a few hundred feet away
lies the woman that gave birth to me
trying to find out if she’ll ever live without machines
And I just don’t care anymore
about my writing
or connections
or whatever our friendship got twisted into
I’m done with this
Think what you will of me
I can’t change your mind
I have to have priorities straight
and I have to be strong
for someone that’s always been there for me
I don’t have time for games
or trying to understand
My worries are going to waste on you

I don’t know what kind of games we’re playing anymore
Two grown children trying to act like adults
When we’re both just lost and scared and confused
And I don’t want to keep playing anymore
I just want it to end
I don’t even know why this whole thing started
How or where it all went south
Or how I could get everything that seemed so right
To turn out so wrong
I’ll tell you I’m sorry
If that’s what you need to hear
But I don’t even know what I’m apologizing for
I guess it would be as much to myself as to you
For not looking deep enough
For trying something doomed to fail
For tilting at windmills
For seeing what I wanted to see
And not what was there
Whatever it takes to stop the game
That I never wanted to play