Month: January 2020

Some days
It’s just not worth it
Trying and struggling and failing and falling and…
Running a race that never ends
Fighting battles I can’t win
I’m so tired
Please just let me rest
But there’s no rest for the wicked, they say
And I can’t do anything right or well
There’s just no point, is there?
No goal, no pot of gold,
No celebration
The cake is, as always, a lie
A lie I kept telling myself
To keep going through endless torture
Not wanting to face that there is no reward
Only more torture
Until you die

If only it were possible
To turn these feelings off
And never have to deal with them again
Just lock them up
And throw away the key
And I’d be good
But I can’t
I still worry
I still care
I still want to see you living your best life
But it hurts
It hurts that whatever that is
Won’t have me in it in any way
But maybe that’s for the best
In the end there wasn’t room for me
In your quiet, ordered world
I caused too much disruption
And now I’m on the outside
Looking in
Hoping only that you find
Whatever makes you happy
And that one day I can look back
Without regret

Remember when you told me
I shouldn’t just go through the motions?
When you pushed me to open up
and to feel again?
We see how well that worked out
So let me crawl back in my hole
far away from everything
and everyone that can hurt me
Because keeping it all locked down
never cost me friends
never made work awkward
never gave me sleepless nights
or constant stomach issues
In fact, compared to this
keeping my head down and mouth shut
was much more pleasurable
So forgive me if I stop
following the advice you gave
now that you don’t seem to care
and I can go back
to living in my own little world

Will someone shine a light on me
For I can’t find the way
Through these dark, uncertain moments
I don’t know if I’m winning
I just know I can’t stop fighting
As the battle rages on
I feel like I’m surrounded
By a lifetime’s worth of pressure
Pressing, pushing inward
Holding me in place
There’s got to be an opening
Somewhere in this wall around me
But I can barely breath the air
And I haven’t seen the sunshine
It’s so cold and dark and lonely
In the echoes of the void

Why do I keep reaching out
To try and stoke the fading embers?
It may be dying but it still burns
And the last thing you seem to want
Is me around to keep it going
And I’ve made so many mistakes
That I can’t blame you for how you feel
But I can’t seem to let it go
There’s something there under the ashes
Too important to let vanish
So on I go fanning the flames
Desperately trying to keep it all going
Likely only to watch it fade

It’s broken
And I don’t know how to fix it
And maybe I just can’t
But this distance
Is slowly eating at me
And I don’t know what to do
I miss it
The way it used to be
When we were friends
Forget wanting more
Hell, at this point I’d settle
For losing this feeling
Of gut-wrenching anxiety
That comes from knowing
What I sacrificed
I used to have your friendship
I wish I had it back
But somehow I’d be happy
With just being spoken to

And so it goes
That some things
Just aren’t what they seem
And part of life is learning
How to find what’s real
In a world of illusion
Some people waste lifetimes
Seeking something more
That will never come their way
When what they were searching for
Was right behind them
While they were busy
Only looking straight ahead
And others cut right through
To the heart of things
May I find the fortitude
To stop searching the wrong direction
And figure out just where I’m supposed to be

There’s a beauty in the quiet moments
That’s sometimes hard to see
But when everything is still
There’s still something moving
Beneath the surface
A silent reflection
Of something greater
There within the world itself
Spread among us all
There for us to see
Only if we stop moving
Long enough to look

Open the door
To a lifetime of opportunity
Give me the chance
To show you the world
I’d be everything
You ever needed
All your heart’s desires
They could be yours
No fears, no insecurities
You’d always know your place
Standing right beside me
Supported to the end
We’d face all possibility
Without doubt or worry
Nothing out of the question
If you’d only ask

I’m starting to think I should stop
writing as if I’m speaking to you
Maybe then I’d get up to courage I need
to actually step up and try to fix things
rather than run away from opportunity
…but probably not
I’m pretty much stuck
I can’t seem to make the first move
and there’s no sign
that you even want things fixed
If there was
I wouldn’t be so afraid to approach you
(at least that’s what I tell myself)
You know me better than almost anyone
so you have to know that all it’d take
is a word or a sign
that I’m not the only one suffering
But those words and signs will never come
if I can’t get myself together
and actually do something

Rather than slink away in fea