Month: December 2019

Does anyone mind if I stop the ride?
I’m going nowhere and I just want off
away from expectations and abject failure
the weight of the world pushing on my shoulders
and I don’t know how long I can push back
without breaking
everything that glitters
turns to ash and dust when I touch it
everything I try to hold onto
slips through my fingers and flies away
everything I work for
falls apart when I almost get it
I’m not entirely sure why I still try
and I just desperately need to rest
so please just let me lie here
in whatever shape you find me
my demons have won
so let them have their fun

There’s no such thing

As a straight answer

When dealing with you

I’ll never get a signal

I actually understand

Or see a sign

And right away know what it means

I’m so tired

Of hieroglyphics

I’m not an archaeologist

I’m just a man

That wants the best

For both of us

Trying to figure out what that is

And why you fight me

At every turn

As I sit here on this holiday
amidst the people that matter most
there’s something missing
Somewhere out there
she’s in her own world
with who and what means most to her
and here I am
unable to get her off my mind
I know she means more to me
than I do to her
and most of the time I can accept that
but it’s moments like there
where I feel that missing something
and my mind drifts to her
that I curse the way the world worked
to bring us into each other’s lives
at a point where there can be nothing more
because when it comes to who means most
she’s the one whose absence I feel deepest

Someday I’ll be able

To stop overthinking

To put aside the worries and cares

Even just for a moment

To shut off and unwind

But today is not that day

With all this running around in my head

That I can’t escape

Maybe some part of me

Lives for the drama

And insanity of it all

But I’d really prefer

Not to feed the voices

In the back of my head

I’d rather be happy

I’d rather be free

I’d rather be able to do what I want

And not have to think of everyone else

Just once, can’t I cast off

The weight of responsibility

And thoughts of the future

And just let go?

Just once can’t I focus

On what I want

And not what I should do?

Or am I doomed

To carry the burdens

Of everyone else

With more importance and weight

Than my own?

I could always write us a happy ending
If I knew what would make you happy
But I have to admit that in all we shared
That’s one thing I never learned
I’ve struggled with my desire to get you there
From the beginning of this all
Because I can want to make you smile
I can try all I want to lighten your burdens
But I never found what truly brings you joy
And maybe it’s because I don’t know you
As well as I might’ve thought
But more likely is that you don’t know either
And all I could ever dream of
Is to help you figure it out
So that you may find it

If we never share another word
let me say now and forever
that I love you
and that I wish you nothing but the best
You deserve it
I’ve said that time and time again
you deserve happiness
you should be where you want to be
doing something you enjoy
with all the love and support in the world
All I ever wanted
was to help you find that place
because that is mine
My truest happiness
comes in helping others find theirs
All I could ever hope
is that I helped you
more than I held you down
and that you may find
the same joy
that you once brought me
just by being you

When words fail me
what more do I have?
The only gift I have left to give
and they get me nowhere
There’s nothing left to say, is there?
No way to string a sentence
to change you mind
especially when you won’t speak or listen
Just silence
unyielding
unending
haunting
and a million other ways
to convey the same meaning
the same feeling of loss and hopelessness
that threatens to overwhelm me
in the face of what’s become
of what we once shared

If only I could scream
or curse, or cry,
or find someone or something to blame
for the way things have gone
but I can’t
I can’t
because there’s nothing and no one
to blame
I can’t blame well-meaning friends
that tried to help me through
in their own ways
I can’t blame her
for doing what she felt was right
before we got too deep
not knowing I was long since there
I can’t blame him
just for already being
right where I want to be
I can’t blame myself
for the inevitable result
of feeling such a connection
I can only curse timing
and the inevitable results
of who I am
and who she is
and the bitter truth
that she’s exactly what I’ve always wanted
exactly what I’ve always needed
and so wholly out of my reach

I wish I knew
why I keep trying
it seems so pointless
a cruel trick
of God or fate
I had no chance
right from the start
and yet I fell
and here I am
suffering for it
It feels so wrong
that something beautiful
can be so painful
but that’s what comes
I guess
with no one to blame
for this failing
and falling
except my own dumb heart
that couldn’t see this coming
and ran on in
right into the minefield
that anyone
with half a brain
could’ve seen
I feel just like
the poets of old
writing about great loves
unknown
unrequited
except that they
were talented
and I’m just a fool
that read too deep
and fell too hard
and can’t find his way out

I toss and turn
as the words pour out and around in my head
all the things I should’ve said
and questions never answered
What did I do that was so wrong?
Why come to me in the first place?
I thought I had a new best friend
and instead I ended up with bittersweet torture
sleepless nights
a hole ripped in my soul
and so many things I’ll never understand
All I ever wanted was to be there for you
because I thought you’d be there for me, too
We had something special
and now we have nothing
no matter how I try to keep the connection open
it’s just not what it was
and it never will be
it’ just can’t be
and I have to face it
it really doesn’t matter how I feel about it
it really doesn’t matter what’s considered fair
What matters is that I could never have exactly what I wanted
and the moment I had begun
to be content with what I had
it was ripped away as well
and I’ll never get the chance
to find out why it had to be this way
never get the closure
never get to understand
and it’ll keep haunting me
in restless nights and second-guessing
for God knows how long