Month: December 2019

I don’t want to fall again
To get caught up in that wave
To lie to myself long enough
To believe my own bullshit
You can justify anything
When you’re blinded by emotion
Caught up in the haze
Obsession and fixation
Overwhelmed by the intensity
Lost sight of reality
Then your find yourself in a trap
A hole of your own design
Dug it yourself without trying
And now you have to claw your way out
Naked for all the world to see
Just what a fool you made
Casting aside your dignity
For a chance you swore was real
But was nothing but a fantasy
A daydream of a sick mibd
Too lost in the dream to see the light
Tossing aside what would be
For a promise never fulfilled
No, I don’t want to fall again
I’ve already fallen too far

There is no joy
In having your faults
Forced into the light
When you’ve lied to yourself
For long enough
That you can’t remember the truth
And now all I feel is nothing
For there is nothing left
Without the lie
Without the obsession
Without the broken promises
And twisted virtues
The mess inside my head

Arrogance and ignorance
how long has it been
since I let you take control?
Apparently not long enough
Where was that vaunted self-awareness
I always prided myself on
when I was busy self-destructing,
throwing away the very thing
I was so obsessed with keeping
and why come back now,
practically useless in your timing?
You’d think by now I’d have outgrown
the sins of my past
but no, of course not
those same old failings
and trappings of disaster
rest there in the back of my psyche
just waiting for an opportunity
for those feelings of frustration and inadequacy
to tear at their walls
so they can latch on and be free
to make good things die
and bad things worse
and feed on the problems they cause
and now here I am
trying to clean up the wreckage
having apparently learned nothing
from all the times before

I lay my sins bare at your feet

My only hope is that you’ll hear

For you’re the one I wronged

And I doubt I’ll ever find salvation

If only I could turn back time

And bring myself to understand

Just what it was I was caught in

And the damage I would do

In sacrificing what I held dear

I don’t ask for forgiveness

Only understanding

And a chance to clear my conscience

And learn from my failings

I barely know what’s going on in my head

How am I supposed to know what’s in yours?

I guess it’s not my problem now, is it?

But that’s my cross to bear

I’ll always wonder and worry

I’ll probably always care

But until you speak to me again

There’s nothing I can say or do

To fix whatever it is I’ve done

And maybe there is no fix

And I’m standing here waiting and wondering

All for nothing

Maybe there will be no closure

No chance at a happy ending

Or maybe this is your happy ending

Leaving me out in the cold

Only you can tell me

And you won’t say a word

All I ever wanted was to be in your life

In whatever way I could

And I’ll never know for sure

Just how I botched it all

I’ll never be able to explain myself

Or ask for forgiveness

Or try and make it up to you

I’ll never even be sure exactly what I did wrong

Because it was always destiny

For things to fall apart

And for me to be left worrying

And wondering where it all went wrong

The silence is wearing me down
I’m not sure how much more I can handle
before I give in and give up
…but I’m not there yet
I don’t have enough friends
to let a good one go so easy
and though I’ve made mistakes
I can also make amends
if you’ll only let me
I’m not afraid to say at this point
that I care more than I should
I can’t help the way I feel
but I can help you
I’ll find a way to remind you
the value of someone standing behind you
…if I can only make it through the quiet

How did it get to this point?

Standing here

Watching the walls fall down

And I’m just numb

I should’ve seen it coming

I pushed too hard

Too far

Not happy enough with what I had

And traded it in for nothing

The barriers between us

Are now closing in on top of me

And I can’t breathe

But there’s no escape

I did this to myself

Like Icarus’s wings

I flew too close to something beautiful

And now I’m burning on reentry

Crashing to the ground

You’re the one that would’ve caught me

But you’re on the other side

Trying to maintain the borders

I was tunneling under

Too sure of myself to realize

I’d only bring them down

Right on top of my head

I’ve been looking for my storybook ending

For so long that I’ve forgotten

That this is no fairy tale

This is the real world

Nothing has to make sense

Things don’t have to be what they seem

And sometimes things just don’t work out

No matter how hard you try

Sometimes it really is better

To just up and walk away

Rather than keep trying

And failing

And falling

And torturing yourself

Reaching for the carrot

Dangling just out of reach

Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel

Really is just a freight train

Barreling down the track

Assuming you’re smart enough

To stay out of the way

And you’re not always the hero of the story

That sweeps in at the right time

Wins the day and gets the girl

Sometimes you’re just a bit player

And others you’re not even in the scene

And all you can do is play the role as written

Trying not to do something stupid

Like stumble, stutter, or miss a line

Well I really messed up this time

And the curtain’s falling

And I just have to face the bad reviews

As the book closes

And I’m nowhere near the end

Maybe it’s for the best

To just give up and walk away

Let my flaws and issues

Darken someone else’s door

You’re too good for me

To bring down any further

You deserve the best in life

And that’s not what I bring

I carry only burdens

And the abject stench of failure

Don’t let me drag you down

Just walk away and don’t look back

You were wrong about me

I don’t actually deserve better

I’m right where I belong

Suffering under the weight of my mistakes

I guess this is what I deserve

To have everything fall apart at once

Just curl up in a ball

And let the world have its way

I’ve fought so long for what I wanted

That I was starting to think I might get it

Silly me

I can’t stay optimistic for long

Without some backlash

I’m done, okay?

I’ll just go through the motions

Live the sad, depressing life

This world has given me

There’s just no self-improvement

No way to get ahead

Just stumbling blocks and crushing weights

There to keep me knocked down

It’s not enough for me

To make my own mistakes

Lord knows those are plenty

But no, I might be able to overcome those

So let’s make sure there are roadbkicks

Around every corner

So that I may just keep tripping

And falling

And eventually just give up and stay down

Well, rest assured I’m staying down now.