Month: July 2019

Put on the smile
Hide behind the jokes again
It’s what you always do
Never let ’em see you sweat
The strong one
The silent one
The wisecracker
Don’t let them in
Don’t show weakness
Don’t let the guard down
Don’t ever slow down
Don’t stop now
But you can’t keep running and hiding forever
Someday you’ll hit the wall
Someday the end will come
And where will you be?
No one can tell what you’re thinking
You never let them see
Because they should know, right?
Suck it up
Take it on the chin
Keep following those tracks
Right off the cliff

Here I go again
Falling too hard,
Too far
Too fast
I’d just filled in the hole
From last time
And she’s just as unavailable
And just as uninterested
And just as perfect
And I’m just as much a fool
As every single time before
You’d think I’d learn
You’d think I’d look before I leap
Just once
Just one single, solitary time
But no
I jump head-first
And plummet all this way

You’re not the kind of girl I’ve ever met before
(more like the kind of girl I’ve always been looking for)
you won’t be what I wanted
not quite what I expected

but you might just end up being what I need.

The show is over
so where’s the curtain?
The spotlight’s shining
right in my eyes
and I can’t see
but I hear the crowd still out there
somewhere
all eyes on me
But I’m done
I can’t
there’s nothing left for me to say
no blocking
no direction
no end scene
Only dead air
and silence
and stares of disappointed expectations
No applause
No bows
no curtain call
no that’s a wrap
Just me
and them
and an act I can’t keep up.

When the words left your lips
it was all I could do
not to reach out and take you into my arms.
I felt a part of me die, right then,
much as it must have in you
when it happened.
I didn’t know what to say
what to do
how to feel.
I still don’t.
I’m torn
between wanting to take your pain away
(which I can’t, and I know, and that hurts, too)
and hoping never to see his face again
‘lest I give him some pain of his own
I admire you
your trust
your courage
the fact that you’re still standing
and I wish, more than anything,
that I could show you
that someone does care.

Take me away
From it all
Far, far from the chaos
Give me a reason
To live
To love
To feel something
Anything
Other than this emptiness
Show me the way
To freedom
To happiness
To contentment

I said too much again
played my hand
far too soon
took that step
right off the cliff
and here I am
staring up
at smoldering remains
of hopes and dreams
that never should have been
nothing ventured
nothing gained
so they say
but who are they?
have they ever
felt the sting
of abject failure?
have they ever
been shot down
so far, so fast?
have they ever
known the silence
of connections lost?
could they look me
in the eye
and tell me I’m better
without you?

There you are again
In my head
I can’t escape it
Every dream
Every fantasy
Every thought
What I want
What I need
What will likely never be
You move me in ways long forgotten
You bring to life a world left behind
You inspire me to be
To live
To love again …but not you
You stir within me
Hopes
Dreams
Goals and aspirations
But they can’t give me what I want
You can’t give me what I want
I can’t give me what I want
When what I want is so far out of reach
It’s there
So close
A carrot, dangling
Dancing through my mind
But just beyond me
For all that you inspire
For all the light you bear
For all the joy you fill my soul with
There is nothing
That will bring you to me

As I lie awake in bed, it strikes me
Some things never really change
Here I am, in that old familiar place
Pouring my heart out into ones and zeros
Laying my soul bare across the wires and tubes
I wish I could be this open
With her face to face
but I’m only at my best with that screen between us

How do you really feel?
I can read your eyes
and tell when you lie
What am I supposed to do?
How can I change who and what I am?
I shouldn’t have come with you
I should’ve spared myself the pain
but here I am
and what does that say about me?
What are we to do?
Lost in this storm,
how am I to find the way home?
And why,
despite you getting us stuck out here, adrift,
am I expected to find the answers?
And why is it that the moment I look into your eyes
I lose all control?
Sometimes I can’t help but think
that maybe, just maybe,
you set us out here
stranded alone
for some twisted purpose
that only you could understand
As I look to the sky
to plot our way back by the stars
I can’t help but notice how they shine
as if you were looking down on me from the heavens
and lose it all again…

Originally written in 2003