Month: December 2014

The Same Page & Your Illusions

scottneelan

Get your shit together
Go back to the start
Your head and your heart
should be on the same page
Remember what’s important
what’s real and what’s true
Be open, be free
Try anything, everything
Don’t be afraid to live

I’m not sure this one’s really finished, but this is the point where I started to break down writing it, so I’m calling it.

You don’t know me
not like you seem to think
How can that be?
13 years later
That’s what you remember
Who I was then
Who I was 8 years ago
Not who I am now
Not what I come to be
What I’ve been through
How I’ve changed and grown
Who I am inside
You write me off
based on false assumptions
old recollections
You made up your mind
far too long ago
So why am I fighting?
Why not just write you off?
It came so easy to you
I’m nothing to you now
just like I’ve been for years
An afterthought
To be used and tossed aside
(or at least that how it seems)
so why can’t I do that?
Why can’t I shut it off?
Why do I care what you think?
You’ll do as you want
with excuses galore
(as is your right)
and I’ll be left behind
as always
so fuck it
I’m done
done thinking
done fighting
done coming up with ways to convince you
because nothing will
The truth doesn’t matter
You have your illusions
You’ll do with as you wish
I’ll just have to come up with my own

Well, THAT was cathartic. Hope everyone enjoys the product of my near-breakdown. I sure feel better now that I let it all out. Too bad all this venting via poetry and blog does jack squat to fix the situation I’m in. I’m blaming this all on alcohol, though I’m not sure I can explain why…

Hold You Back

scottneelan

Standing in the shadows
As you claim the spotlight
Always the center of attention
Don’t forget to step on the little people
As you climb
Do you even remember?
Crying on my shoulder
Talking about nothing
Just being there
Didn’t mean a damn thing
Did it?
It did to me
But I’ve always been sentimental
Used me then
Use me now
I’ll find a way to be the victim
Even from the background
Play the fool again
Keep up your appearances
Shallow as they may be
I can’t give you what you want
But you’ll drain me anyway
As long as I let you
Why change now?
Why try something new?
We can have the same old failures
Your audience awaits
And far be it for me to hold you back

Another one of those “inspired by multiple people and events, but mostly one in particular” pieces. Pretty close to home, too, as it reflects the same spot I find/put myself in repeatedly. Ah well, what’s a poor fool to do?

Why Pretend

scottneelan

Yes, I’m a fool
for thinking things would change
Left behind again
Oh, there you are
already miles down the road
(how do I look in your rear view?)
and I’m still standing here
wishing, waiting
wanting something I’ll never have
Why does this always happen?
One step forward,
stumble,
trip,
fall,
back to the start
staring at the taillights
forgotten
until the next time you need me
abandoned
because I’m not what you want right now
untouched
because that would mean feeling something
just hurry up and run me down
get it out of the way
we both know it’s coming
so why pretend?

Another

scottneelan1 Comment

Another night
another fantasy
another dream of what may never be
another stop along the road
another mile down the path of least resistance
another breath
another stony silence
another day of living without life
another broken promise
another failure to see the world turning
another attempt to stem the tides
another moment slipping between fingers
another defeat for lack of even trying
another sigh
another shaking head

…and still I cannot change

Just found this in my drafts. No clue what it was inspired by, and not sure why I never published it before.

Do Your Worst

scottneelan

use me
abuse me
chew me up
spit me out
drag me down
tear me apart
bleed me dry
do your worst
whatever it takes
I’ll get up
come back for more
stand my ground
take the blows
however dirty
however ugly
however selfish
however mean
I’ll take it all
if that’s what you need
because I love you

Wow, this one’s interesting. This one draws inspiration from something I can’t actually share. Suffice to say I know where this came from, this one’s been brewing for a couple days, it’s a bit more personal than anything else I’ve shared here, and if a certain someone reads this one I might have some ‘splaining to do…

Do It All Again

scottneelan

We do it all again
The pleasantries
the catching up
the awkward smiles
It’s life on repeat
with nothing in between
We say we’ll call
we’ll stay in touch
(this time we might even mean it)
but we never follow through
We’ll drift on
our separate lives
and never even notice
until the next time
Empty words
broken promises
forever cycling
maybe we were friends once
but now we hardly know each other
and maybe it’s better that way…

And now we’re to the down cycle, folks. Just a little bitter, cynical take on the whole “old friends meeting up” thing. Apparently, this is what happens when I try to write another “sappy, crappy love poem” when I’m not exactly feeling the love anymore…

Until You

scottneelan

You drop into my boring life
A splash of color
a ray of light
you give me something
I didn’t know I needed
you drag me places
I’d never dream of going
you fill a hole
I didn’t even know was there
and just as quick you’re gone
a flicker, a flutter
and back to the empty spaces
back to the monochrome
back to the boring life
and to the something missing I never knew I needed
…until you.

Looks like this weekend is gonna be a goldmine for me creatively. Personally/emotionally, not so much, but such is life, I suppose. This one is kind of a follow-up to the last one, as time marches on and more things happen. Again, I don’t share specifics on here too often, so I won’t say what’s going on exactly. Just consider these snapshots in time as to how I’m feeling as things unfold (or, more accurately, don’t unfold)

Into Her Soul

scottneelan

I saw into her soul last night
Only a glimpse
Only a flutter
But it was there just the same
For mere moments
We connected
We united
And I could feel her
So close
So near
I lost myself again in depths forgotten
Her grip on my heart once again fastened
And here I am again
Lost in someone
Someone that will never be mine
But how can I be free
When I saw her soul
When we connected
When we could be so much for each other?

So this one’s inspired by the same events as my earlier post “Missed Opportunities”. I can’t get into details too heavily, natch, but I’ve found myself in a situation where I could’ve had exactly what I’ve wanted since high school and instead talked myself out of it.  I’m still waiting to hear from…well, someone, since the events, and I’m a little anxious to see/hear what happens…