I don’t know what I’m doing

if I ever really did

I just keep moving in the same direction

hoping someday I’ll find it

Whatvere it is that I’m supposed to

without actually understanding

what it is or where I’m going

One day closer to the end

whatever that might mean

feeling far too lost and hopeless

No idea where this wind blows

except to push against me

and this weight of the world

piled high upon too narrow shoulders

No sturdy base we find here

Just another aimless drifter

trying to find a reason

to keep cutting through the noise

Drowning in the silence

at the heart of everything

and nothing all at once

Never quite enough

not to matter

no one sticks around

left to drift on

through a world that ever turns

Sun rises, sun sets,

nothing happens

nothing ever changes

No meaning

no importance

no lasting impact

no impression

no future

Nothing sacred

only wasted time

I’m just wasting time

waiting for the end

as everyone and everything

moves on without me

It’s been a year today

and it somehow feels like each and every one

So much has happened

and so much feels different

for nothing of importance to have changed

Still in the same place

trying to fill the emptiness

Going through the motions

of a world that looks much darker

and a life you left behind too soon

Same old same old

when it’s all just a little less

than the day before

Still not sure what’s next

but I’ll keep trying

to figure it all out

once and for all

like you would’ve wanted

Because that’s all I’ve got these days

these weeks, these months, this year

So much I didn’t understand

I’ve had to learn the hard way

Sure learned fast in these four walls

when what held them up went missing

But we carry on in memory

one more year down the road

and I’m sure with time and patience

the wound gaping in your absence

will start to fade and heal

but it’s only been a year

A lifetime of a year

and I still feel the absence every day

Don’t worry

the hole you left behind

when you walked away

is still there

In fact

it’s only gotten bigger

in your absence

It’s just not worth filling

when everyone that stands there

always finds a reason

to leave

And every time

they tear away another piece

of who and what I am

and drag it off with them

A little less of me

stays standing day by day

a little less sure

a little less certain

a little less clear

for each time I try to reassemble

I have to patch another crack

or fill another gap

only made by trying

to fill that void

I don’t know if I have it in me

to try again

It’s not always easy

to be proven right

When you share your deepest worries

only to see the one you trusted

make them come true

Was I wrong to say it then?

In the end I saw it coming

despite all her denials

and now it’s been how long?

Feels like an eternity

like she’s a remnant of another life

another world I never lived in

only dreamed of

I knew she would disappear

those words haunting me

alongside her memory

A deeper floor found

beneath rock bottom

a darker void inside my darkest moment

I was right

but I’ll find no satisfaction

only a strong sense of sadness

and loss of what was

and might have been

It seems like a lifetime ago

when visions of the past

creep up and take hold

Heart racing and stomach churning

as memories flash by

like your life

when death comes calling

I can’t shake the feeling

can’t get past the failures

that haunt me

People and places lost

in my life no longer

except when they decide

to appear again at random

and trigger fight or flight

What hurts most

is the bitterness

The anger festering

underneath the surface

that the thought of you

or the site of your name

brings rushing forward

This what you’ve left me with

when I became too much

We were just like family

much like a shitty workplace

Family so long

as some value can be found

But once the well runs dry

you move on

and I’m still here

still dealing with the drought

but now alone

You get away with vanishing

with walking away from me and this

Why can’t I ever be the one

that gets to disappear?

We schedule each day

each week, month, year,

as if they’re promised

and as long as we have something coming

we’ll find our way there

But nothing is for certain

no matter how we fill the spreadsheet

We can arrange the future all we wish

move plans and thoughts and appointments

like points on maps or flow charts

but there’s still no guarantee

and all the empty assumptions

won’t make the path any more sure

from here to anywhere

It seems like such a waste

losing touch with something

that felt so important then

Guess it doesn’t matter now

as they slip to memory

There are much more pressing thoughts

that I should be busy having

than to worry about

someone that walked away

Another wasted day

another empty year

and one pointless breath after another

Is there even a reason?

Or is this all some grand illusion

a cosmic joke without a punchline?

Well I’m not laughing

I’m suffering through

Crawling through this tunnel

and there’s not even the light of an oncoming train

No point

no purpose,

Just pain and then nothing

and when nothing is the best you can hope for

then there’s something very wrong

with everything