It seems like a lifetime ago

when visions of the past

creep up and take hold

Heart racing and stomach churning

as memories flash by

like your life

when death comes calling

I can’t shake the feeling

can’t get past the failures

that haunt me

People and places lost

in my life no longer

except when they decide

to appear again at random

and trigger fight or flight

What hurts most

is the bitterness

The anger festering

underneath the surface

that the thought of you

or the site of your name

brings rushing forward

This what you’ve left me with

when I became too much

We were just like family

much like a shitty workplace

Family so long

as some value can be found

But once the well runs dry

you move on

and I’m still here

still dealing with the drought

but now alone

You get away with vanishing

with walking away from me and this

Why can’t I ever be the one

that gets to disappear?

We schedule each day

each week, month, year,

as if they’re promised

and as long as we have something coming

we’ll find our way there

But nothing is for certain

no matter how we fill the spreadsheet

We can arrange the future all we wish

move plans and thoughts and appointments

like points on maps or flow charts

but there’s still no guarantee

and all the empty assumptions

won’t make the path any more sure

from here to anywhere

It seems like such a waste

losing touch with something

that felt so important then

Guess it doesn’t matter now

as they slip to memory

There are much more pressing thoughts

that I should be busy having

than to worry about

someone that walked away

Another wasted day

another empty year

and one pointless breath after another

Is there even a reason?

Or is this all some grand illusion

a cosmic joke without a punchline?

Well I’m not laughing

I’m suffering through

Crawling through this tunnel

and there’s not even the light of an oncoming train

No point

no purpose,

Just pain and then nothing

and when nothing is the best you can hope for

then there’s something very wrong

with everything

Feels like forever

since these words last crossed my lips

Somehow it seems like yesterday

and yet another lifetime

I wonder how we got here

so far from where it all began

Late nights under starlight

Drives and dives and endless potential

a long and winding road

that led us completely different directions

But we still have those moments

and memories to tie us

together across such great distance

Thank you

I really needed the reminder

I was starting to believe

I might actually matter

But what’s the old line?

(the one I always hated)

Something about what you get

for thinking…

I bought into the platitudes

and somehow forgot my place

is that I don’t have one

Not anymore

It’s awful quiet here, alone

where I’ve been left behind again

Crisis brings the chaos

and everyone else swoops in

Someone always seems to save me

from falling in completely

But they always disappear

back to their own worlds

Others can walk away from this

but I can’t leave myself

and the isolation calls

so cold, so dark, so empty

so free from the pain of falling

All these last-minute liftups

I know I should be happy for

but sometimes I have to wonder

if it wouldn’t be easier

to handle all this silence

if I never heard the noise

of others coming to the rescue

then riding off again

Surrounded by these great love stories

wondering when my turn will come

if only I could stop falling for

the broken and unobtainable

I try so hard to give my heart away

to those not ready

or not available

or far too scarred from their own past failings

only to watch drop it

in the nearest trash can

as they walk as far away

from me as the path can carry them

Is it any wonder

that some little sliver of my swlf

can’t believe that I’m worth anything

when so many have discarded

all I’ve tried to give?

There’s no one left

that puts any value

on my existence

so it’s no surprise to me

that I struggle to find said value

in continuing to live

But I fear the alternative

so I keep on going

looking much like Sisyphus

with this boulder up the hill

trying to find my place

alongside someone else

You break me in ways I can’t explain

Leave me twisted in impossible knots

Throw out every higher function

and all that remains is a babbling mess

It’s so far beyond understanding

the how’s and why’s and what you do

without effort, without knowledge,

without even having to try

I wish I had your strength

so that I might shore up defenses

solid and sturdy enough to hold

against whatever force it is

that takes my wits away

when it comes to dealing with you