You break me in ways I can’t explain

Leave me twisted in impossible knots

Throw out every higher function

and all that remains is a babbling mess

It’s so far beyond understanding

the how’s and why’s and what you do

without effort, without knowledge,

without even having to try

I wish I had your strength

so that I might shore up defenses

solid and sturdy enough to hold

against whatever force it is

that takes my wits away

when it comes to dealing with you

I don’t think it’s possible

for us to understand each other

and it’s far past time

for me to accept that and walk away

You’ll never know what you do to me

what you’ve done to me

what a mess has been made

of an already broken mind

I’m not sure I’m capable

of picking up the pieces

Not this time

They keep sticking in my fingers

my hands as bloody as my heart must be

as I spill it out to you

for no good reason

What am I doing here?

What’s the point to all this?

Jusr give up and disappear

it’s the best for both of us

I think

Pouring my heart out to a brick wall

tying myself into knots over nothing

because she stopped caring a long time ago

(if she ever really did)

Thought I was past this point

but here we go around again

and fuck her very much

for being someone that was supposed to care

yet bringing me to this place

over and over and over

This Isn’t worth it

She’s not worth it

Nothing’s worth this

Ahh, there’s that feeling again

I thought I was finally free

But now that twisted, burning knot

has started up again

Eating at me from inside

my stomach all but useless

Another bad idea

and another battle with anxiety

Should’ve kept to myself

isolation was lovely while it lasted

but now I’m back

I can feel again

Didn’t take long to hurt myself

So excuse me

while I sneak away

back to my own exile

That cave was awfully nice

and these butterflies are obnoxious

and there’s nothing good thst can come

from any further contact

so forget the outside world

I’m hack to hibernation

Don’t wake me up again

Something’s been left hanging
open, flailing in the wind
about to fall away
A hole closed after forever
with no resolution
and no happy ending
…but an ending nonetheless
Time to walk away
hopefully a little lighter
and a lesson learned
Though I still have no idea
what I was meant to learn
Guess that will come with time…

The moment I walked away
from a dance with her
was the exact point in time
when everything started going wrong
and it’s been one long, slow decline
ever since that night
twentysomething years ago
that I still remember
as if it were yesterday
Ancient history, I’m sure
and not usually something I think about
But someone found a memory,
sent it off my way,
and now I’m sifting through
the remains of all that was
that we long left behind
looking for the lessons
I was meant to learn back then
Because I keep on repeating
such similar mistakes,
echoes through the timestream
of failing then to understand
the meaning of the situation
the opportunity presented
and the ability to set aside
the silly little fantasies
that fill my head so quickly
and just live in the moment
Maybe it goes back even further
to a beach walk in the rain
or maybe I’m just overthinking
times best left undisturbed
trying to recapture
that which I’ve been chasing
since that rainy afternoon…

I’m just pathetic enough

to have to stop myself

from reaching out to you

I wanted to be there

standing near the finish line

waiting for you to cross

Was even planning it

to make sure you didn’t know

and it could be a surprise

How stupid was I?

I’m glad nothing was set in stone

or I’d have looked ever dumber

than I’d be if I sent you

the message that I want to

No, it’s on you

to contact me again

I’m not the one that walked away

so it’s not my position

to be the one crawling back

Nah, I’ll give you what you wanted

a life free of me

Just know out there somewhere

that I’m still thinking of you

even when you couldn’t give a damn

Maybe someday

I’ll hear those little feet

come stomping up the front steps

again

and I’ll sit just inside

smiling

waiting

for a living ray of sunshine

to burst in through the door

But for now there’s not much smiling

and the house is awful quiet

No light or noise I make

could ever reach all these corners

or clear out these shadows

the way her voice and presence could

every morning

5 days a week

no longer

Time to put it all away

and start again anew

I’ve been stuck in place so long

even the grooves have grooves worn in

The dust has covered everything

We’re long past time to blow it clear

So much so fast I just froze up

but now I’m free to move again

No idea what comes next

but I should be trying to figure it out

rather than hiding anymore

I’ve mourned the losses long enough

now comes repair, rebuild, and reassess

Somewhere out there I belong

not sitting here alone

One day I’ll be able

to do what everyone else does

and walk away from me

Then maybe I can be happy

then maybe I’ll be free