The World at Midnight

Here I am

flashing back to high school

feeling lost and alone again

hear the laughter as I fall

Can barely catch my breath

assaulted by emotion

Not sure which way to turn

so I stand motionless

Take a look around

nothing there to guide me

I feel my away around

through all the emptiness

All this to avoid

facing my true fear

Trapped in loops on endless rewind

to avoid moving forward

Everything that could go wrong

plays out in slow motion

And there nothing for me here

to do but watch and wait and suffer

Disconnected as if left behind

to float away forever

I have to find my footing

I have to find the door

I have to get away from this

before I lose control

Here I am

with a fine fuck off

to the thought of you

and the damage that you left behind

I can’t escape the fear

of someone being shown too much

and running away screaming

or worse, doing as you did

The walk away in silence

The anonymous mocking

The fading as if I never mattered

Years later and you haunt me still

giving weight to the voices in my head

I’ve always struggled to shut out

A kindred spirit turned to wicked vengeance

I hope you’re happy out there

I’m sure you found your way

to everything you ever wanted

while I’m still drowning here

waiting for the lifeline

you pulled straight from my hands

I’m sure it would give you glee

to know what marks you left behind

so fuck you again from your past

as the one left here to burn

in the flames you left behind

so long ago you probably barely remember

Well I’m still here and they still glow

and I’m left motionless in them

unable to break free

Don’t mind me

I’m just getting in my head again

the music on repeat

and all the memories flashing through

This is just what happens

when I allow myself to feel

and find myself with time on my hands

My head can’t help wandering

through minefields I keep crossing

and everything that can go wrong

no matter how rediculious

will happen in my mind

After all, it’s all happened before

I’m just so sure of failure

some mistake, misstep, missed chance

something will blow up in my face

So why not set myself to fail

Rip the bandage off right now

I’ve fallen every time I’ve tried

So let me drown in love songs

and fantasies of what could be

if I could just escape

from my own booby traps

and finally look outside myself

I’m sure it won’t be me

when you find yourself ready

I’ve been on the end of this before

I just beg you to let me down gently

and that we at least stay somewhat connected

because I’m not sure I’d be able to take it

if I lost that smiling face of hers

I know I feel so strongly for the both of you

and that you have to be a package deal

I also hear the nagging voice

from the back of my own head

saying what you both deserve

that I can’t measure up to

but for my own slim sanity

and sense of self-preservation

I have to ask to stick around

a part of her world until she can choose

She may in time outgrow me

just like I fear you will

and I’ll have to find the strength to deal

with such possibility somewhere

but not here, not now,

nor anytime soon

I’m not too full of pride to plead

Don’t misunderstand me

I don’t want to see you go

but I fear from some experience

there’s little here to keep you

So I try to steel myself

bracing for the worst to come

and asking past what I could hope

that you might pull the blow

and leave some small ray of hope

behind you when you go

This story has already been written

and I’ve always hated the ending

and yet here we go again

Another Hollywood retread

Let’s hope this time

the writers tweaked the tale

so the poor little lovesick fool

doesn’t suffer quite so much

or for nearly as long

Maybe they even dared enough

to change that horrid ending

(but I wouldn’t hold my breath)

I mean, names and details changed already

so why can’t where this goes

be a brighter, happier moment

than the last version?

Happy endings sell, y’know?

And not everything realistic

has to be all moody and depressing.

Let the love story be requited, for once.

We already see how important she’s become to him

now may she come to realize

that he means just as much to ber

Don’t let this one end in struggle

This story doesn’t have to tell a lesson

All it needs is our two heroes

finding each other

and learning that their lives are better

together rather than apart

Thst simple, that straightforward

No twist, no trick,

no after credits scene

Just a much better ending

than the film that came before

(Have I mentioned how I hated that old ending?)

The tears come slow but sure

Now, when I can cry

Nothing left to hold back for

These shoulders can sag for a little while

I’ll get it all together again

eventually, I know

but there’s only so much room

it can be held down forever

And now, here, in the quiet

far removed from the public eye

I can cry

when no one is seeking their own validation

No other drawing comfort from me

I can let the wall down

Let a little bit out

And tomorrow the walls will rise again

Strong and stoic and seamless

But for now, let them fall

I can cry

The words I want to say

have been said so many times and ways

by people far more eloquent and literate

(and people far less also)

That fact keeps coming up in the back of my head

every time I set back down

once again to try and fight the language

and arrange those expressions

to match what I keep thinking and feeling

because I know the words are there

but nothing ever feels quite right

The stars just don’t align

with the tongue in my head

or these fingertips

Words always seem to fail me

when I need them most

they flow free most inopportunly

and leave me stumbling, alone

with nothing to hold onto

but deep thoughts and good intentions

So here I am again

pleading to whatever muse

would grant me pity and mercy enough

to finally win this struggle

and grant me the words

to say what I mean to

at the right time and place

to finally get what I want more than anything

Oh, how hard it is to miss someone

their voice, their face, their mere presence

but knowing that the right move

is not to reach out blindly

but to wait

Patience is a virtue, they say

one I’ve always been lacking

and this strange absence

grows bigger with time and distance

but I’ll continue holding out

as long as I can manage

It’s not as if this emptyness

is some new or overwhelming thing

I’ve known it far too long

It’s only recently taken shape

a form that might be filled

So I wait for the signal

the moment she steps in

and takes her place

Old photos and memories

are such dangerous things

when you’re prone to melancholy

That nostalgia reaches right up

and pulls me down

reminding me of moments past

as if nothing will be that bright again

Instead of looking back fondly

I find myself with empty holes

where those people and places should be

as if not being right here right now

means there’ll never be back

as if something is missing

and that picture is all I have left

It’s not the fault of the images

that perfecrly capture in time

a brief moment of happiness

but rather of my head

and some part of me that wishes

that all good times could last

and in the in-betweens

that part refuses to understand

that nothing is forever

and there’s no such thing

as permanent instant gratification

there are lives out there to lead

and someday soon this bright skies

will likely return

but right here, right now

those faces are somewhere else

and those memories are what I have

not as some twosted, painful reminder

but as a promise that nothing

is ever always as bad as it seems

I hope someday I’ll feel like I’m enough

even if I never get the chance

to take that step that has me hesitating

You’ve seen too much for me to ever dream

of some magical sweeping off your feet

but maybe I could find a way

to shake off this self-doubt

and think of the right words to say

how I think I’m feeling

I’m sure you’d just let me down gently

If I didn’t think that much of you

there’d be nothing to worry about

but I’ve been here before so many times

even my metaphoric scars have scars

So don’t mind me as I struggle in near-silence

I’m just trying to untie these knots I’m in

to reassure myself that it’s not such a fantasy

since all the times before can’t seem to fade

We’re all just walking bundles

of war wounds and anxieties

We show our scars on our sleeves

and never even notice

until the moment comes when we think of

trying to lay ourselves out bare

and can no longer look away

For all I know our jagged lines

might match up oh so perfectly

but I’m still too afraid to take a glance…