The World at Midnight

Just another mirage

an oasis in this desert

I’ve been crawling through forever

A phantom

that will fade

and leave me empty

The sun beats down

oppressive heat

and there you are

nothing but distraction

fueled by my ailing mind

looking for respite

from drought and danger

Here I am again

reaching for another lifeline

but my hands pass through

Nothing there

Never was, never is,

never will be

Just sand and sun

endless waves of golden grains

that cut and bleed as I drag on

On my way to whatever lies

somewhere beyond the dunes

if ever I make it

I hope whatever waits for me

can somehow live up

to this conjured illusion

that I’ve fallen for

Stuck in my head again

that little voice calling out

trying to remind me

of all my faults and failures

Chipping away slowly

at my insecurities

working to surround me

in dreaded isolation

I know the words aren’t real

but still they ring so clearly

they dance across my worries

and amplify my fears

and leave me here to wonder

if what I see and hear from otbers

is what’s really real

or if that little voice

is the only honest one

and I really am just better off

to let it all fall down

I’m the one with her ring on my finger

carrying on in her memory

To keep her proud of all I am

because I promised her I would

And there you are, retreating

forgetting things so quickly

living in your own small world

the one she fought to pull you from

She wanted nothing more

than to live, just live a life

and we were asked along the way

It was taken from her early

that’s the way it goes sometimes

but it doesn’t mean for us

to let that path she pulled us down

lay empty in her absence

So get up and move

Live, just live, as she would ask

Please don’t let me fall again

I don’t think these knees could handle it

if I were to miss

thanks to arms that aren’t open

It takes too long to find my feet

but the allure is just too strong

to keep from reaching out

to hold the unobtainable

The wall will surely fade away

an illusion of the circumstances

…but it never works that way

I always hit the concrete

collapsed under the weight

of all the insecurities

once held at bay by possibility

But once the truth is understood

The wall comes up, the arms are folded

and once again there’s nothing left

to hold me as I disappear

Stretching out to take ahold

of something that was never there

A victim of the fantasy

I could’ve sworn I’ve seen before

Lord, let this be the time

Let this path be open

and let me find the strength it takes

to follow down the road

that she wanders also…

Maybe this is what I’m meant for

walking in her wake

watching as she runs away

and never catching up

Standing on the sidelines

with sign and smiling face

hoping to not end up lost

in the echoes of the crowd

Maybe this is what I wanted

purpose, though vague and undefined

It helps that I find joy in watching

as she’s rounding every corner

a litter faster, a little brighter,

so hot she burns that I don’t dare touch

But oh to stand next to that fire

so may the warmth and light embrace

Where she may go I’ll gladly follow

as long as I can find the path

But I know the worry looms

I could never match her pace

Far too fast, she burns too bright

too much for me to ever hold

If only for that feeling moment

I could ever stand beside her

reach out and feel that flame’s caress

Here we go again

that old familiar place

Been here a time or two

and always wound up empty

Hesitation holds me back

from taking that next step

but maybe that’s a good thing

Maybe no one’s ready yet

for what waits beyond that moment

Maybe moving too soon

would be the end of promises

but promise is yet unfulfilled

and fantasy is so fleeting

and she moves so quickly in her way

I could never follow close

I just can’t keep up

over any distance

So I’ll stand still

and wait for her

to make her way back around

Hopefully by then

I’ll know which moves to make

to end up with us both in the same place

So we go on

because there is no other choice

no better opportunity

than the road laid out before us

so we ride

into the horizon

and whatever waits across that line

separating what comes

from what came before

what led us for so long

to here and beyond

All we know is moving forward

so we take that step

and the next

on and on and onward ho

until we take the last

Something waits for us out there

and I’ll be damned if we don’t find it

around that next corner

across that line

footstep after footstep

what other choice is there?

Struggling to fill the hole

the one you left behind

but I don’t think I have the sttength

to stand in shoes so big

I can only stretch so far

and plug so many gaps

before the pull becomes too much

and something has to give

I can’t help but feel

that this is why I’m here

to push on as you would’ve wanted

but I can only push so hard

before the world starts pushing back

and no one’s here that has my back

quite the way you did

Still I’ll carry on the fight

even knowing it will break me

because that’s all I have to do

I just wish that there was soneone

left to help carry the load

The tears come out at night

when I go to show you something

or a certain TV show comes on

or any number of little moments catches me

and reminds me of time

stolen away from all of us

Time we assumed we had

but was never promised

Time that slipped through our fingers

in what feels like the blink of an eye

I’m not sure if I’m angry

I’m not sure if I’m sad

I’m not sure if there’s some small sense of relief

at the fact you’re free now

from all you had to handle

I just know the tears sneak up

on me in the quiet moments

Lord help me find the strength

I’ll need in due time

It wasn’t supposed to be time yet

We knew the clock was always ticking

We moved as fast as we could

so that whatever time was left

was ours just to enjoy

And here we are

that ticking clock run out too soon

The hands that no one ever sees

found midnight long before the darkness

and made pointless all the effort

What’s left now?

We go on, I suppose

slaves of our own ticking clocks

but there’s something missing

without the sound of hers

to tell our own time by…